#post to follow in like however long it takes for me to vent

[vault81]

you know what i lied im ranting and raving about it

[canine-economy]

Daisuke’s Death and the Invisible Abuse of “Privileged” Children

tw: extensive discussions of child emotional abuse

Another mouthwashing text analysis before I post any polished art? Shocker. But I really really appreciate the reception on my Swansea post, especially as a new account! This Daisuke-centric analysis is gonna be a quick one (< this was a lie. long read ahead!) but he is a character who resonates deeply personally with me as a victim of abuse that looked very much like his own. I do plan on doing a larger analysis of his character, but the abridged version necessary for this piece goes as follows:

Daisuke’s treatment in the narrative—both his implied home life and Jimmy’s taking advantage of him to go into the vent—is another one of this game’s excellent portrayals of normalized (and thus invisibilized) abuse. Children are often cited as one of the most vulnerable classes of people, if not the most vulnerable (I acknowledge that Daisuke is not a child, but Mouthwashing implies that this narrative of his inadequacy has persisted throughout his upbringing and, to this day, he is dictated tasks and lacks independence, treated like a dependent. His youth is also an undisputed feature of his character and, most importantly, the cast treats him like a kid). Children’s dependency on adults and our willingness as a society to accept that the adults in their lives provide the most objective perspective on these young people renders them particularly prone to abuse easily swept under the rug or “justified” by wardens who possess the power to dictate the narrative. Jimmy’s engagement with Daisuke is an extension of the latter’s vulnerability. The co-pilot’s assertion that “he’ll be fine (…) mommy and daddy have him covered” at the birthday party represents a deference to Daisuke’s parents as adequate caretakers who will ensure his longevity and comfort on the basis of their wealth. And we know that Daisuke’s parents think the same—the Q&As reveal that they believe they are doing the best to secure their son a good future. However, the same Q&As indicate that they don’t actually engage with or understand Daisuke’s interests and that their approach to parenting him is entirely understood through their personal beliefs, not those of their son. And Daisuke clearly carries that quite close to his heart. He seems to struggle with identity and acceptance, seeking validation in the form of praise. Daisuke is defined through what he can do for others and not what he independently brings to the table, because that has never mattered where he grew up. The consequences of his parents’ failure to meet his emotional needs ultimately conditioned Daisuke to be perfectly available to be taken advantage of in a corporate setting defined by capitalist attitudes and hierarchies.

While it’s not concrete to say that Daisuke grew up in an emotionally abusive household, it is most important that we cannot dismiss the possibility and that his behavior as the outcome of some obvious degree of neglect is well-aligned with this theory. Moreover, the young man who comes out of that household is easily targeted by Jimmy’s abusive tendencies as a direct result of what he internalizes growing up. Daisuke is apparently financially well-off (contextually we can’t be sure if Daisuke’s family is upper class, middle class, or somewhere in between), and with that comes privilege. Even the way he packs—multiple personalized outfits, entertainment devices, etc—reveal that he’s used to certain comforts and hasn’t yet acclimated to the harsh expectations of companies like the Pony Express. But, especially where young people are concerned, it is all too easy to allow this privilege to act as a curtain between abuse and the outside world. We can acknowledge the privilege and also recognize that it benefits his parents much more than it benefits him as a young person.

Emotional abuse is complex and extremely damaging and Daisuke *does* show symptoms of at least being constantly verbally accosted and emotionally neglected by his parents to the point of permanently warping his sense of self. It also generated his overreliance on authority figures to tell him how to keep himself safe in their world. His mother apparently insulted him to his face (“such a slacker, she said”, and being reprimanded for being too talkative [from the Daisuke teaser]), and a lot of his negative self talk (“total screw-up”, “fuck up”, etc) is reminiscent of how people define themselves by parroting what they are called after internalizing consistent externally-imposed definitions of their identity. While these are not surefire indicators of abuse and I am not willing to diagnose a situation as abusive purely predicated on these factors, the behaviors Daisuke exhibits as a result share many commonalities with those of victims of childhood abuse. In fact, just about every time Daisuke speaks about himself in Mouthwashing, he mentions his failures and his work. It’s not lost on me that the teaser for the whole character is him pondering his mother and how she might not recognize him if he isn’t noisy and obnoxious. He personally puts a lot of stock in their assessment of him as lazy and annoying, but nevertheless tries to accomplish learning through the internship. Furthermore, Daisuke takes on a lot of his mother’s pain, hoping she doesn’t blame herself for the negative things that happen to him (even though in the same scene he reveals that she’s the reason he’s on the stranded Tulpar at all), indicating that he has taken responsibility for the feelings of people in his life even when those people are not his to care for and even bear responsibility for his pain.

Now in young adulthood, Daisuke rarely seems to have any sense of self beyond his parents and his work aside from one-off quips about baseball and babes. It suggests that he has always had to prioritize his parents’ desires growing up to avoid being treated unfairly and even cruelly, stunting his self-discovery. In abusive situations, your understanding of safety and your pursuit thereof are radically impacted and we see this manifest in Daisuke’s continuing willingness to accept those in command as the pinnacle of safety over what one might consider logical, personal acts of self-preservation. He equates safety with obedience, and I contend that that equivalence suggests a lot about how his parents reprimanded deviance from their plans. And not to be that guy, but it is kind of outright cruel to dump your utterly inexperienced teenager-to-early-20-something on a 1 year, no contact, unsafe space voyage in a failing industry knowing that he doesn’t have the necessary skillset yet. That’s what his parents do when they aren’t satisfied with his progress, and it’s intense and disproportionate and alarming! Especially for the dependent! They toss him into the deep end of the corporate machine and insist he learns to swim in such an oppressive, stifling atmosphere. It’s no surprise that he drowns, especially when he himself can’t recognize this as an unrealistic expectation and tackles it with everything he’s got because his parents are theoretically always right about what he needs. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that normalized emotional abuse from the home and how it maps onto a victim’s adult life is a topic Mouthwashing would endeavor to touch on, because visibilizing invisible abuses of power in heteropatriarchal capitalist schemes is arguably the central undertaking of the game.

I don’t think Daisuke has evil parents or anything, rather that what we accept as “good parenting” and “good mentorship” is often negligent with regard to emotional needs and can easily become a source of heavy trauma for the children and mentees if that emotional aspect is stretched too thin in the pursuit of success. Not all abuse is intentional, and the dev Q&As imply that Daisuke’s parents thought they were sincerely investing in his future. They cared, just not in the best way for his wellbeing. Because capitalism emphasizes the individualistic pursuit of success above all else, it’s no wonder that a parent would think that the best thing they can give their kid is an avenue to prosper financially. But in doing so, Daisuke’s parents deny him the opportunity to define himself, to experience agency, and to build up confidence. Effectively, they create a young man so vulnerable to abuse by higher-ups (a manifestation of abuse that is often intentional at the systemic level) that he decides to climb into that vent at Jimmy’s discretion under the pretense that he will make somebody proud. Because that’s how Daisuke has been raised to understand himself and his place—the presumed screw-up boy as a default, making you proud by doing the right thing, who has learned to pursue that achievement to avoid the condescension and disproportionate backlash (e.g. the internship itself) that comes with failure. Everything circles back to his parents’ expectations that he makes for a good worker. When the cocktail knocks Swansea out, Daisuke makes an offhand comment about getting a bad reference—even in the most dire of circumstances, he can’t stop thinking about their capitalistic expectations for his “good” future.

I find that Daisuke really is such a good subtle portrayal of how parents with resources can get away with emotionally stunting their children because we perceive their ability to put a roof over their heads, food on their plate, etc as adequate parenting and even a privilege for the child when it should be the bare minimum. Jimmy certainly buys into it, and even some of the fandom parrots that, really and truly believing Daisuke is some good-for-nothing kid who doesn’t try hard when all we see is him working, including climbing into the vents to try and help despite not being assigned the work (foam scene, not his death). I find this reception shows how inclined we are to accept those narratives of the privileged child’s inadequacy before we address the parent for not fulfilling a child’s emotional needs, which are just as important if not more than the material.

To wrap this up with a quick discussion of the symbolism of his death in the context of the emotional abuse of children (which is the reason I made this whole post but I can’t talk about this guy without going off): Daisuke getting so badly injured trying to do what’s right is a very physical manifestation of the suffering he was already going through. It is the pain of constantly people-pleasing and of holding it all in when he’s lashed out at. He gets injured at all in the pursuit of appeasing Jimmy and (theoretically) Swansea, both of whom he blindly trusts despite how they treat him because he has always been expected to just adhere to the adults with authority in his life. Being talked down to by them is not new and has never been a reason to question their judgement. Daisuke sees this as a product of his own inadequacy as implied by other people, and not of external cruelty. He was raised not to question the system for fear of repercussions.

Jimmy is perfectly situated to coerce him into a dangerous situation because Daisuke has never been taught to say no. The safest option for a scared child is to trust their mentors, and an adult Daisuke does just that. Even Swansea’s teachings of safety are dismantled by Jimmy’s tactical use of captainhood to break the camel’s back. Authority. Daisuke must always listen to authority. Jimmy knows the vent isn’t safe. Swansea tells him directly and he observes the foam incident (if from a distance). For as much as he acts like he cares about taking responsibility for Daisuke’s safety, his individualistic pursuit of “fixing” things manifests in Jimmy again taking advantage of a vulnerable person on the ship. Jimmy doesn’t reconcile Daisuke’s eagerness to help with lessons on safety like Swansea does, but rather uses it only when it benefits him. Daisuke is taught by his upbringing to accept this kind of treatment—for safety, defer to the leader in the room even if it hurts and you don’t want to do it (just like he didn’t want to be on the Tulpar in the first place).

Then, once the intern is out of the vent and mortally wounded, Jimmy applies the mouthwash (a product to be sold, hauled in the interest of the corporation) to “help” sanitize the wounds. But the sugar content negates medical utility and only worsens the pain. We can interpret this as the application of material privilege, “sweetness”, that wasn’t actually any help at all to solve the deep wounds left by emotional pains. Mouthwash rids you of the bad taste but doesn’t kill all the underlying germs. One could argue further that in this scene, the mouthwash is specifically representative of the Pony Express internship: a rare stepping stone in the corporate hustle gained through privilege and presented as a boon. Like the mouthwash, the internship is imposed on Daisuke to try and “help” him succeed and be better, but it only elevates the pain by irritating the wounds and ends in his agonizing demise. However, this fine-tuned comparison isn’t necessary to my point. I find the broad implications of the mouthwash as an antiseptic immensely representative of parents and caretakers who don’t seem abusive to the outside world but who are actually subversively hurting their children and ultimately conditioning them to be victimized by capitalist attitudes. Our deference to material comforts and corporate opportunities as indicators of wellness renders us blind to where caretakers fail to address the emotional needs of young people. At the end of the day, Daisuke is still killed by the values his parents have instilled in him. It’s always the “captain’s” (literal or figurative) orders that seal the deal and cut off any of his autonomous doubt or dictation (for example, his desire to listen to Swansea and not go in the vent). His parents’ symbolic and saccharine gestures mean very little in the scheme of creating a person who can survive the pressures of the “real world” when malicious actors (JIMMY.) and the capitalist enterprise as a whole bear down on the cracks of an emotionally taxing youth.

A/N: Maybe I’m thinking about all of this too hard, but the beauty of Mouthwashing is that I’m never quite sure that’s the case as this game feels so deliberate. Anyway, as somebody who has clinically diagnosed PTSD stemming from childhood, this has always been a really important analysis to posit and I finally found the time to put it into words. I feel like Daisuke as a symbol is often overlooked by the fandom. He’s enjoyed, yes, but not really broken down like the others are. That diminishing of his importance and his feelings about the situation also feels like a symptom of his age. But that’s neither here nor there—like I said, I believe I could do a much more in-depth analysis of Daisuke as a victim of subtle abuse but this will have to do for now. A lot of my major points have been made, anyway! Perhaps video format would be best for something longer-form. 🌺

[goddessapostle]

Tease

Fandom: Bungo Stray Dogs Characters: Chuuya Nakahara, GN!Reader Summary: You’ve never met this elusive Dazai, but he sure knows how to piss Chuuya off.

1.1k // AO3 // Masterlist

A/N: requested by @acidsbeats. Thank you for choosing to help with the @ficsforgaza initiative, and thank you so much for your patience!! I hope it meets your expectations.

You’ve never met this elusive Dazai, but he sure knows how to piss Chuuya off. 

The first you heard of him was a once peaceful afternoon, until Chuuya stormed into your apartment. Your poor wall broke where the doorknob hit it, a spiderweb of cracks that spread a near foot in diameter. Instead of addressing the new hole in your wall, he went straight for your wine. It was the cheap kind, the kind you don’t mind but know he doesn’t like. 

He had half the bottle gone by the time you followed him into the kitchen. It swung in his left hand, his right struggling to light a cigarette. 

Your nose wrinkled when you plucked the cigarette from his mouth. “No smoking inside,” you told him. “You know that.” 

“Fuck, sorry,” he said. “Just ran into an old–” 

He hesitated and you raised a brow. An old friend? An old ex? 

“An old coworker,” Chuuya said, and you understood his reluctance — your relationship was still fresh, at that point, and you had no idea what his job entailed, just that it paid well. 

He never gave the name of his coworker that night. But it became a habit of his — coming to you after an encounter, pacing through your house while ranting. You’re not even sure he realized he let the name Dazai slip one night. All he can think about is that ‘annoying, suicide-obsessed maniac that doesn’t have the balls to commit’. Chuuya’s words. 

That is all you know of Dazai, but you find reason to thank him: Chuuya is absolutely adorable when riled up in that specifically post-Dazai way. He’s been more careful since he patched up the crack in your wall, but he still comes and paces your kitchen. He now brings his own booze — sometimes wine, sometimes whiskey — and always pours some for you before downing half the bottle. You tend to forget what he says in the moment, instead focusing on the way his body moves. 

His hands jerk in every direction, steadying only to prevent the spill of his drink. His fancy designer shoes clack against the linoleum of your kitchen. His face flushes as he rants, using such creative insults you can’t help writing them down for later use. 

You always let him rant for a few minutes — it’s good for his health to vent — but never long. While venting is healthy, obsession isn’t. (You also don’t have time, between work and sleep, but he doesn’t need to know that.) 

No matter what you say, however, he continues on his rant. There is only one thing you can say that causes him to pause: 

“You must like him a lot.” 

Or something similar. Every time you say it, Chuuya freezes. Then he slowly, slowly, turns his gaze to you. He struggles to keep his anger in check — already exasperated by Dazai, it takes a lot of control not to explode. He may be quick to anger, but it was never a side he directed at you. 

“Excuse me?” he hisses. 

You smiled. “You’re just so passionate about him. Makes me wonder what I have to do for you to treat me like that.” 

His breath catches and he clings to you, choosing to forget the mess that caused him grief. The next day finds you in good spirits, having been lavished in praise all through the night. 

And though you may tease, you never mean anything by it. You know Chuuya loves you; it’s why he comes to you to vent his frustrations. You've always trusted him. You always will. 

Even when you realize his job is dangerous. Every time there’s a ruckus in Yokohama, he shows up ranting about Dazai. You expect it at this point, and just like clockwork, he shows up one Friday night. 

“That prick,” he growls as he storms through your kitchen. “He has the nerve to just show up and boss me around!” He drinks from the bottle — squat and square, filled with an amber liquid. “I never worked under him in the first place! I was the one who decided to join! I didn’t follow him like a goddamn dog!” 

“Oh, definitely,” you say, only half paying attention. Most of your focus is on the drink he poured for you. He chose a lowball glass, so it’s whiskey of some sort. Your nose wrinkles when you sniff it. It smells mostly of alcohol, lacking the notes of smoke and ash his usual liquor carries. 

Your lips quirk up as you check the time. It’s been ten minutes, give or take, so it’s time to interrupt. 

Heaving a mock sigh, you pick up your glass and take a sip. The whiskey is strong and stocky, made to intoxicate and little else. “If only you paid me this much attention.” 

Like always, Chuuya pauses. He’s facing away from you, so you can’t see his face, but you can see his shoulders droop. He sighs and sits at the kitchen table, in the chair next to you. His hands find yours, and he squeezes tight. 

And that is... odd. He’s never deflated so quickly before. 

“Y’know you mean the world to me, right?” he asks. “That you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, right?” 

“Of course, baby,” you say. You free one hand to run your fingers through his hair. He rests his cheek in your palm, and you stifle a chuckle at his pouted lips. Even after so much confirmation, every time you meet, he’s still unsure. Still afraid you might leave him. 

Is he so used to being left behind that he cannot handle such simple teasing? 

You pull his face to yours, planting a soft kiss against his forehead. “Rough day?” you ask. 

“You have no idea.” Chuuya downs the whiskey left in your glass. “Move in with me.” 

“Pardon?” When you meet his eyes, you find them cold and steely. This is not the Chuuya you know. This is a Chuuya at work, with an edge of danger in his gaze. 

He takes your hands in his, squeezing them tight again. “Dazai knows about you. No one should know about you.” 

“And that’s bad.” It’s a statement, not a question, and it makes Chuuya hesitate before he answering. 

“Not necessarily,” he says. “Dazai is an ass, but he’s got morals now.” You raise a brow. “He’s not who you should worry about.” 

“Your job,” you say. “You're worried about someone there.” 

He swallows, but admiration shines in his gaze. “Move in with me. My apartment has better security. I want you to be safe.” His eyes soften, and his lips tilt in a small smile. 

“Besides, you can’t say anything about Dazai if you’re the one who lives with me.” 

Who are you to argue with such sound logic? 

[snowyquokka]

cw: mentions of s/h scars, insecurities, hurt/comfort, soft chan, 3rd person fem pov, swearing, mentions of body worship, small caps on purpose (please let me know if i missed any)

wc: 0.7k

a.n - HUGE DISCLAIMER. please please refrain from reading if you’re sensitive to any of the topics above. this is meant to be a vent post and NOT glorification of s/h, mental illnesses, ect. feel free to scroll if necessary. and if you want/need to talk my dms are always open. i love you all <3

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

looking at herself in the mirror, y/n sighs. she ghosts her fingertips over the lines of scar tissue littering her outer thigh, each one a reminder of every time she’s struggled.

each one proof that she overcame them. that she survived.

even though she knows this she can’t help but critique them, and herself.

how could she have been so weak, so fragile that she let her thoughts and feelings consume her life so much to the extent that she broke.

fortunately for her, there had always someone there that picked up the shards of her soul that had been scattered around. he glued them back together with his love and overtime handed her heart back in one piece, almost as if it never was broken in the first place.

“hi baby,” chris greets as rests his chin on her shoulder, dragging her out of her thoughts.

“hey,” she mumbles, continuing to run her fingers over the length of a particularly large scar. her boyfriend’s hands move to hold her hips, afraid that if he lets go she’ll slip through his fingers.

“what did i tell you about that, hm?” his voice is low and gentle as he scans over her body. the same body that he quite literally worships, always reassuring her of his adoration.

y/n sighs and pinches her eyes shut so she doesn’t have to look at him as she replies, “criticizing them is almost as bad as creating them.”

chris pulls y/n closer before whispering into her ear, as if they weren’t the only ones in the room. “exactly. now look at me, baby.” y/n shakes her head, feeling too embarrassed.

“baby girl. look at me.” chris manages to keep his composure despite feeling about a dozen emotions at once. though, it’s not the first time she’s been like this and they both know that it won’t be the last. he’s never minded it, actually, and never will. he would rather her talk about her urges then act on them. however, he’d never let that happen as long as he’s alive.

y/n lifts her gaze to meet his in the mirror, watching as his lips curl into his familiar, warm smile.

“there she is,” he murmurs, “can i?” chris’s hand creeps down from her waist to her leg where her shorts are raised, her insecurities on display for him.

she nods as she leans back against his chest. she follows his fingers as they trace over the largest scar tainting her skin.

“no matter how many times i see them, i’m never going to stop loving them. loving you. but you know this already, don’t you baby?” y/n nods. of course she knows, chris doesn’t give her a moment to doubt- or even forget his words. and he never will.

“you’re strong, y’know that? you are so very strong. and i know you hate hearing it but it’s the truth. you persevered and even though it pains me to admit it, you did it all on your own. that takes guts, baby.” chris buries his face in her neck, placing soft kisses on the column of her throat.

they stay like this for a while: his arms wrapped around her as he sways back and forth. he finally breaks the silence after he turns her to face him. he cups her jaw before placing a soft kiss on her lips.

“c’mon. let me run you a bath, yeah? i’ll make you some tea too.” y/n nods and smiles at him.

“thank you,” she laces their fingers together.

“for what, baby?”

“for loving me,” chris frowns slightly and pulls her into a comforting embrace, engulfing her in his warmth.

“you don’t ever need to feel the need to thank me for that, okay? i’ll always be here.”

whoever said that you can’t love somebody else until you love yourself was a fucking liar. chris is walking proof of this

[creampz]

⋆ ★ RULES 2 BE A #CERTIFIED SQUIRTLING.

#★vegasbaby. is my personal tag for all my work(s). sometimes i don’t update my mlists right away, but any time i post you’ll see things under that specific tag. (fics, hc's, etc..)

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[astrojulia]

Asteroid Fan (151590): Understanding Its Signs, Houses, and Planetary Aspects

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ About the Asteroid: Finding out about the astronomical part of this asteroid was not easy and to be honest, I can't say if the information is correct. What I can say is that it was discovered between 2004/2006 and that it was named after the late Chinese astronomer and physicist, Dr. Fan Zhaohui. doctor Fan was an expert in celestial mechanics and made significant contributions to the study of the orbits of asteroids and comets. He also played a crucial role in the development of China's space program.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Sources and inspirations: As it was already difficult to find astronomical information, it was more difficult to find astrological information, so much that you can see the heavy inspiration in this post here, which was the most complete that I found on the subject. However as the blog is deactivated and if you are a tumblr browser user like me you will have a hard time seeing the whole post. That's why there are parts that are references to the post as well as parts that are my own interpretation. Also, the image template in from minikyuns on deviantart.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Asteroid Fan Rx: Your fans are more withdrawn and hidden, having a more introspective and reflective relationship with you. You can also bring out more hidden or intense feelings in fans. They may become more obsessed or possessive of you, or they may feel a stronger connection to you. Your fans are the type to always question your actions and reconsider whether or not they should continue to admire you, each time you prove that yes, the harder it is for them to leave.

Asteroid Fan in Signs

✧. ┊ Aries: With Asteroid Fan in Aries, get ready for an enthusiastic and passionate supporter. They're drawn to your energy and may see you as a leader or trailblazer. They're spontaneous, expressive and quick to react to everything you do. You can expect lots of random compliments and affection, but they may also get defensive and impatient with people who don't like you.These fans may also be very demanding of you and want to have your content on a daily basis.

✧. ┊ Taurus: With an Asteroid Fan in Taurus, your beauty and sensuality are what they love about you. They may be supportive of your material goals and see you as a source of comfort. These fans are loyal, constant and trustworthy. They love letting you know how much you mean to them, but they can also be quite protective and jealous. Your fans also expect the best from your work, even if it takes time.

✧. ┊ Gemini: The Asteroid Fan in Gemini is all about communication skills and intellectual curiosity. They may follow you on social media and send you long messages, often with a playful and witty tone. They're fans one day and roasting you the next, but they're excited when you reply. They are the type that most reblog/share their content to others.

✧. ┊ Cancer: With Asteroid Fan in Cancer, it's all about emotional depth and sensitivity. They see you as a source of emotional support or a parental figure. They're very protective of you and always willing to listen when you need to vent. You are hardly the type to see your fans, as they appear more in fights and discussions to defend you than giving you likes, comments... they are more of the types that only observe the content, always following but not actively showing up.

✧. ┊ Leo: The Asteroid Fan in Leo is drawn to your charisma and creativity. They're supportive of your artistic endeavors and see you as a source of inspiration. These fans idolize you completely and are always looking for ways to keep you in a good mood. They're warm, playful, and very admiring of you.They see you as a kind leader.

✧. ┊ Virgo: With Asteroid Fan in Virgo, they're drawn to your work ethic and attention to detail. They may be helpful in your daily life and provide practical support. These fans are devoted, but can be a bit shy when interacting with you. They're intelligent, calm, and willing to do anything for you. These are the types of fans with whom the more you create a routine of posts and interaction, the more they help you to grow.

✧. ┊ Libra: With Asteroid Fan in Libra your fans are drawn to your sense of balance and harmony. They share your values and interests and admire your sense of style. These fans bring you peace and harmony, and they're emotional and loving. They trust you and may ask for your advice.

✧. ┊ Scorpio: The Asteroid Fan in Scorpio is drawn to your intensity and emotional depth. They see you as someone who understands their innermost feelings and desires, and they may be interested in spiritual or mystical topics. These fans are extremely intense and loyal, sometimes even obsessed. They're reserved, but feel a deep connection to you.You can also provoke difficult emotions in them with envy and anger.

✧. ┊ Sagittarius: Asteroid Fan in Sagittarius, they share your love of learning and exploring new ideas. They see you as a source of wisdom and guidance, and they're often drawn to your spiritual or philosophical beliefs. These fans are positive and fun, and love to interact with you. They're focused on you and may even idealize you a bit. You will probably attract a lot of fans younger than you, who really need more patience and care when transmitting information.

✧. ┊ Capricorn: The Asteroid Fan in Capricorn is drawn to your success and ambition. They see you as a role model or leader and may be supportive of your career or public image. These fans are consistent, productive and determined. They may feel a bit intimidated by you, but are willing to do a lot for you.This is the kind of fan that gets to see behind the scenes, the details that lead up to the result. So it's not just something you post that they see, but they can see the fonts you used, the design, etc.

✧. ┊ Aquarius: The Asteroid Fan in Aquarius indicates fans who share their idol's interests and values. Fans may be connected to their idol through social causes or activism. Your fans sincerely believe in you and will trust your words and ideas. These individuals are highly creative and often feel like they're not fully understood by others. However, when it comes to you, they feel like you get them on a deeper level. Your followers have the potential to become your close companions, and the bond between you is characterized by warmth, joy, and a distinct sense of individuality. Your ability to make them feel valued and important is a key aspect of this special connection.

✧. ┊ Pisces: The Asteroid Fan in Pisces indicates fans who are drawn to their idol's creativity and emotional depth. Fans may see their idol as a source of inspiration and be drawn to their artistic expression or spiritual beliefs. Your fans are very emotional and have an intense connection to you. They are very devoted to you and may see you as a source of comfort or escape from their own reality. They may express their feelings in a poetic or dreamy way. You may attract fans who are empathic or intuitive, who feel a deep spiritual connection with you.

Asteroid Fan in Houses

✧. ┊1st House: With Asteroid Fan in the 1st house, you have a natural charm that attracts fans and admirers. Your fans see you as a leader and may relate to you on a deep level. They want to be like you or be very similar to you. Your fans may even become your close friends, and you make them feel appreciated and special. You easily gain admiration, and some of your fans may be exclusively devoted to you.

✧. ┊2nd House:The Asteroid Fan in the 2nd house indicates that your fans may be very supportive of you financially. They share your values and interests and may admire your sense of style and taste. Your fans are consistent and detail-oriented. They may give you gifts, pictures, or small gestures, and they will always boost your self-esteem without being asked. You can always count on them for support and stability.

✧. ┊3rd House: With Asteroid Fan in the 3rd house, your fans appreciate your communication skills and intellectual abilities. They may follow you on social media or other forms of online communication. These types of fans are fun, chaotic, and always take the time to write you a beautiful message. They check up on you and ask about your day-to-day, and they can become very close to you. You may even have admirers from your school days, and you're a common topic of conversation in their lives.

✧. ┊4th House:The Asteroid Fan in the 4th house indicates that your fans see you as a source of emotional support or a parental figure. They may be connected to you through your shared cultural or familial background. Your fans find refuge in you, and they feel very close to you. You make them feel comfortable with themselves, and there is a strong and lovable connection between you and them. Your fans are intuitive and can quickly pick up on your mood, and they treasure you very much.

✧. ┊5th House: With the Asteroid Fan in the 5th house, your fans are drawn to your creativity, passion, and self-expression. They see you as a source of inspiration and may be very supportive of your artistic endeavors. Your fans are fun, spontaneous, and loving, and they may tease you playfully. You share many hobbies and personality traits with them, and they put you on a kind of pedestal. Many want to be like you and could even see you as a role model. Some may even find you attractive and appealing and develop a crush on you.

✧. ┊6th House: The Asteroid Fan in the 6th house indicates that your fans appreciate your work ethic and attention to detail. They may be helpful in your daily life and provide practical support and assistance. Your fans are helpful and deeply devoted to you, and they take away your stress, making you feel more relaxed. They support and appreciate everything you do, and their support is unconditional and constant. You become part of their routine, and they cherish you.

✧. ┊7th House: The Asteroid Fan in the 7th house signifies fans who are drawn to their idol's charisma and charm, seeing them as a potential partner or companion who shares their values and interests. These fans deeply adore you and are committed to your success. Although they may differ from you in personality, they become close to you and receive your affection. They may even see you as a crush.

✧. ┊8th House:The Asteroid Fan in the 8th house signifies fans who are attracted to their idol's intensity and emotional depth, seeing them as someone who understands their innermost feelings and desires. These fans feel a great interest in you and discover your most personal and profound aspects. They identify with you closely and feel intrigued by you. They respect you for your maturity, and there is a lot of intimacy and closeness between them and you.

✧. ┊9th House:The Asteroid Fan in the 9th house signifies fans who share their idol's love of learning and exploring new ideas, seeing them as a source of wisdom and guidance. These fans are friendly and curious, and they see you as superior on many levels. They are interested in your philosophy and thinking, and they appreciate not only your talent but also your personality.

✧. ┊10th House:The Asteroid Fan in the 10th house signifies fans who are drawn to their idol's success and ambition, seeing them as a role model or leader. These fans respect you and support your career and public image. They form a strong community, and they see you as a professional. They may be slightly intimidated by you, but they are loyal and supportive, always encouraging you to improve and trust your abilities.

✧. ┊11th House: The Asteroid Fan in the 11th house signifies fans who share their idol's interests and values, connected through social causes or activism. These fans see you as eccentric and inspiring, with a friendly and approachable personality. They feel motivated by you and empowered to pursue their goals. They are very diverse, and you have a large fanbase. You have great influence over them.

✧. ┊12th House: The Asteroid Fan in the 12th house signifies fans who are drawn to their idol's mystical or spiritual nature, seeing them as a source of inspiration or guidance in their own spiritual journey. These fans find solace and sanctuary in you, and they feel that you understand them. They are very dedicated, sentimental, and expressive, and they may become addicted to you. They idolize you and see you better than you see yourself.

Asteroid Fan Aspects Overview

✧. ┊Conjunction: A conjunction between the Asteroid Fan and a planet indicates that a person's fans may have a strong impact on their personality or life path. Fans may be very important to their idol's success or sense of self.

✧. ┊Trine or Sextile: A sextile or trine between the Asteroid Fan and a planet indicates that a person's fans may provide support or opportunities for growth and development. Fans may be helpful in their idol's personal or professional life.

✧. ┊Square or Opposition:A square or opposition between the Asteroid Fan and a planet indicates that a person's fans may cause conflict or tension in their life. Fans may have difficulty relating to their idol or may be a source of stress.

Asteroid Fan in Aspect to Planets

✧. ┊Sun: The Asteroid Fan in aspect to the Sun indicates that the person's fans may be drawn to their identity or sense of self. Fans may see their idol as a potential role model or leader.These people like their idol's creativity, enthusiasm and positivity.

✧. ┊Moon: The Asteroid Fan in aspect to the Moon indicates that the person's fans may be drawn to their emotional depth or sensitivity. Fans may see their idol as a source of comfort or support. These people like their idol in a more reserved and quiet way, almost as if it were that childhood thing that you like a lot but are ashamed to say you like.

✧. ┊Mercury: The Asteroid Fan in aspect to Mercury indicates that the person's fans may be drawn to their communication skills or intellectual curiosity. Fans may be connected to their idol through social media or other forms of online communication and talk about their idol to everyone so they can make a bigger fan-base.

✧. ┊Venus:The Asteroid Fan in aspect to Venus indicates that the person's fans may be drawn to their beauty or sensuality. Fans may appreciate their idol's style or taste. These people like the way their idol behaves in the world, being inspired by their behavior and style.

✧. ┊Mars: The Asteroid Fan in aspect to Mars indicates that the person's fans may be drawn to their energy or passion. Fans may see their idol as a leader or trailblazer and be inspired by their courage and enthusiasm.

✧. ┊Jupiter: The Asteroid Fan in aspect to Jupiter indicates that the person's fans may share their idol's love of learning and exploring new ideas. Fans may see their idol as a source of wisdom and guidance and may be drawn to their spiritual or philosophical beliefs. These fans try everything to support their idol, mainly in the form of money, but also by showing up at the events their idol is at.

✧. ┊Saturn: The Asteroid Fan in aspect to Saturn indicates that the person's fans may be drawn to their success and ambition. Fans may see their idol as a role model or leader and be supportive of their career or public image. These fans also support their idols, but because they believe in its worth and its work and want the person it idolizes to succeed.

✧. ┊Uranus: The Asteroid Fan in aspect to Uranus indicates that the person's fans may share their idol's interests and values. Fans may be connected to their idol through social causes or activism. It's also very connected to teenage and unconventional fans, who are very active on the internet.

✧. ┊Neptune: The Asteroid Fan in aspect to Neptune indicates that the person's fans may be drawn to their mystical or spiritual nature. Fans may see their idol as a source of inspiration or guidance in their own spiritual journey. These fans may also find their idol mind-boggling, yet utterly alluring.

✧. ┊Pluto: The Asteroid Fan in aspect to Pluto indicates that the person's fans may be drawn to their intensity or emotional depth. Fans may see their idol as someone who understands their innermost feelings and desires and may be interested in spiritual or mystical topics. These fans also see their idol as someone very reserved but powerful, who will take on important roles without making a fuss about it.

(CC) AstroJulia Some Rights Reserved

[moonrisecoeur]

carnage — leon kennedy

author’s note: this is a secondary piece to apathy, another fic of mine!! that fic was mostly a vent fic, as i wrote it to kinda soothe myself and my own worries about how i feel as a person. however!! this fic was requested to be significantly darker and sadder, so if you don’t vibe with that, then i have good news for u !! leon and reader actually lived happily ever after in that universe!! the original intent of that fic is that the reader just has the self perception of a bad person but is actually not at all!! but this fic… is not that haha.. 

author’s note: if you see typos, no you don’t. they’re not real. this fic is... really messy. i'm kinda ashamed but i've been working on it so long that i need to just post it lol.

word count: 5.3k 

content: leon x reader, sub!leon, dom!fem!reader, angst angst angst, biting, hickieys, riding, choking, leon gets lightheaded and passes out, violent language. there's also a reference to a scene from apathy but from more of leon's recollection and memory! :)

warning: this fic is dark content, containing the topics and depictions of emotional abuse, manipulation, love-bombing ish, narcissistic reader, along with dubcon as reader doesn’t listen when leon expresses a boundary around choking. 

—

notes:

“you’re killing me here,” he says, a soft tone to his gravel-like voice. he is tired, exasperated. you are ripping him apart, stealing any sense of joy from his aching soul. he gives and gives and gives and he doesn’t know how much longer he has in him before you…  before maybe he admits that you were right. maybe you would ruin him.

you don’t know the half of it, you think. maybe i will really kill you one of these days.

—

leon is growing.. tired of you. 

not really. that’s a lie. he loves you dearly, so much that it kills him. you refuse to open up to him and he respects your boundaries. he just can’t keep begging you to let him in. he can’t do this forever. 

he’s not mad that you’re closed off, that you’re a loner and you’re introverted. he accepts you for what you are. he loves you regardless, but can’t you see this hurts him? can’t you at least make an attempt to make him feel better? pushing him away only hurts him, and why did you agree to a relationship if you knew that all you were going to do is hurt him? 

he supposes you warned him. that beautiful night that he convinced you to let him stay in your heart. he looks back at that moment, how you looked close to tears, pushing him back, telling him that you’ll ruin him and anything else you touch, and all he could think about is how badly he wanted to kiss you, to hold you close and wipe away the tears of frustration. he’s fond of that moment, when you decided to stay with him. when you said you’d take your time, move slowly, but you’d eventually let him in. he just had to be patient.

but its been months, and leon hates being wrong, but he might have been that night. 

–

leon’s always seen the good in you. he admires how gentle and sweet you are. you say it’s just a facade, and you know what? he doesn’t believe you. he knows you’re trying to protect yourself, but you’re lying. the version of you that you think is the real you is actually the facade. he knows it. he believes it, believes in you.

“i will begin to despise you if i let you in, you realize that, right?” you said to him that night, and he just shook his head, smiling. he adores you, almost amused at how you were making yourself out to be an awful monster in hopes he’d have understood that he could never fix you.

“and i will adore every moment of your resentment,” he said, and then followed it up with a whisper, under his breath, one you might not have heard, “i will let you ruin me.”

your touch is lethal, that much he’s certain of. he knows you’re not trying to hurt him, he’s convinced it's not in your nature to be intentionally cruel, “i won’t get better. i won’t change for you. this is what you’re stuck with.”

but what was he supposed to do? listen to you? heed your warning? he’s too foolish, too lovesick.

“it’s okay,” he reassures, reciprocating your harsh touch with his gentle one, fingertips making acquaintances with the way your skin feels in his grasp, the warmth of your touch. he’s starting to feel like this beautiful monster in front of him is a lot more human than she feels, “i like you as you are.”

-

leon doesn’t quite remember when you got so overbearingly possessive. maybe you were a little controlling, a little too demanding. it didn’t really make sense because anytime he tried to be possessive over you, you hated it. you certainly weren’t clingy. leon learned to control the instinct, the one that screamed in his head that you were his.  he gets it. you’re independent, not exactly into the jealous boyfriend type, sure. it only hurts his ego a little bit. 

he doesn’t really even remember when your behavior started going downhill. it was just like.. one day, he woke up, and you had left. not actually, you were just outside, but it feels symbolic somehow. he calls your name, and you don’t answer. he takes a couple steps closer, but he gets this eerie feeling he’s stepping into dangerous territory. he wonders if he should turn back, give you some time and let your soul come back to your body. 

“i don’t love you,” you said to him that day. 

it shattered him momentarily, but he knew your ways. he was aware of how you act and talk, your bluntness didn’t even surprise him anymore. he learned not to try and fight you on this stuff anymore.

that’s not true.. is what he wanted to say.

“…since when?” is what he actually ended up saying. 

you sigh, “i don’t know. i just woke up today and i realized i didn’t love you anymore.”

“do you… feel love for someone else?” he asks, but that’s not what he’s really asking. leon would never believe you if you said you cheated on him. you don’t even like people. you could count on your hand the amount of people you liked to talk to. 

leon maintains being one of them, of course. how could he believe that you made a connection with another man when you can only tolerate him? 

so, what he’s really asking is ‘do you… feel anything right now?’. sometimes emotions go away. sometimes you find yourself sitting outside in the early morning even though it’s cold and you’re shivering, wondering why you don’t love your boyfriend anymore. 

he puts his jacket over your shoulders. that feels symbolic somehow too.

it usually passes, but there’s something so final in your tone. like… for the first time, leon was worried you’re being truthful. he was worried you didn’t love him.

he had every reason to be. you used to pull away and then come right back to him, and now… you almost seem to resent him. crazy, it’s almost like you said this would happen. he hates that he was wrong about you, he hates that you were right. 

you flinch away when he touches you sometimes. your words are harsher than usual, more venomous, more lethal. you’re slipping away from him, you’re running away, and he’s begging for you to come back to him. just come back to him.

and even now, he looks at you and you aren’t the girl he fell in love with. but maybe you never changed. maybe he has just been blind. 

maybe you were exactly who you said you’d be. 

did you even want him? or would you get off anyway on taunting him?

did he mean anything to you?

-

“i am your… sculpture. your muse. i am everything you made me to be,” he says softly, one day during a vicious argument (only one of you is truly venomous), his eyes still red from the tears you made him spill, “if you do not like me, or if you don’t like what i’ve become, it is your own fault. i am only what you… did to me.”

he says pretty words that tug on your heartstrings if only to get some kind of empathy out of you. you’d normally scoff, spitting at him that he was a broken mess before you fixed him up, made him useful to somebody. 

“you act like i ruined you. like i made you worse. i did not drag you down with me. we were both broken. both disasters who just wanted to be loved,” you know you’re bullshitting just for pity points. doesn’t change the face that leon almost falters. almost gives in, lets you win. you were right, in a way. you were just being intentionally oblivious. 

“me wanting to be loved was… so much different. i wanted to be cherished and…held dear to you. you wanted a trophy that would make you feel better about yourself.”

“i am not the monster you say i am,” you scowl, finally he sees your harshness, your cruelty, and your dismissiveness in full force. how was he so blind?

“you’re right…” he says, “you… are so much worse.”

“then push me off of you, make me leave,” you groan, pinning him down like a caged animal. 

“i’m not… i..” i stutters, looking up the ceiling, “oh my god..”

“i am the only god you get to call out for,” you say as you press kisses to his collarbone, “i hold that power over you. i am your god.”

“i won’t worship you anymore,” he gasps, but his hands reach up to hold your hips, latching onto you for support and intimacy, like you are everything he’s ever needed and he despises you for it, “not what you’ve become. i can’t accept this…. version of you.”

“this is me, leon,” your voice is distant. resigned. he’s given up on you. and you’ve given up on him. 

so why do you demand his reverence so desperately? if you didn’t want him to run, why didn’t you treat him right in the first place?

“i love you, you know,” he says, tears pricking at his eyes, “i am just your design, molded to how you wanted me, but you designed me to love you… so that’s what i do.”

“i didn’t ask you to destroy yourself for me.”

“but i did anyway,” he closes his eyes, breathing ragged, “but i did and i did it because i loved you. i did it so that maybe one day you wouldn’t run away from me if i loved you too much. i.. i don’t act overbearing or clingy like i am inside because i am horrified of you leaving me. if i try too hard, if i want you too much, if am too desperate for your company… i will lose you. i can’t live with that.”

“then why do you call me worse than a monster? if you need me so badly?”

“because i..  i wanted you to destroy me and build me anew. recreate me in your image so you could have exactly what you wanted. make me exactly what you wanted!” he’s desperate for you to understand, but you never will. you don’t know desperation like he does, “i.. i just made the naive assumption that you would love your creation more than you loved what i used to be. that somehow.. if i let you ruin me, you’d finally love me.”

“i do love you,” you whisper, voice heavy with a tragedy you are all too familiar with.

“no… you don’t love anyone,” he bites, his teeth grazing his own lip like he would draw his own blood, “not even yourself. you’re incapable.”

“then it is your fault..” you say, cruelty laced into your voice, but how could you not be cruel when leon’s finally biting back? “you did this to yourself. you ruined yourself for someone you knew couldn’t love you.”

he feels broken. betrayed. how is this his fault? how could you hate him so intensely? how could you want him to suffer? do you enjoy watching him suffer? is that the only way he can make you happy anymore?

is that the only thing you want from him? his suffering? his tears?

does he give that to you? just… as one final way to make you happy? he’d ruin himself again and again to please you if you said so.

he’d give you anything.

you push him down, and he stumbles back onto the bed, looking up at you nervously. he notices the look in your eyes, the look of possession, you see him like an object or a toy. maybe he is. a trophy. you look at him like he’s something that makes you feel proud to carry around. leon kennedy. he’s a survivor, he's a killer, been through literal hell on earth. yet… your hands on him make him feel weak. he feels like he’s 21 again, on that bridge holding onto the last girl that dug her nails into his heart. 

“you’re fucking mine,” you growl in his ear, and he gasps and shudders, when did you get so close to him? you can’t put your hands on him like this, you can’t do this, his mind will go numb to the pain you cause and suddenly he’ll be held beneath you, inescapably yours. 

“you.. you need to… oh my god..” he was so close to saying it. so, so close. he tries so hard to push you away. to get you off of him. not in a way that he couldn’t stop you if he really didn’t want this. but that's just it; he’s trying to convince himself that he doesn’t want you for his own sake.

you make it so hard to hate you, truly. 

“you’re mine,” you growl in his ear, your nails digging into him like claws of a predator into its most delicious prey, “i own you. say that back to me.”

he cries like a baby, hating that he was naive enough to believe that the devil could love him, she could never love him and he could never please her enough to make her stay, “i’m yours, and.. and you own me,” he says, sniffling. he buries his head into the pillow. you push him, hold him down like he’s your captive. he might as well be. 

“and that means i own your pretty body, doesn’t it?” you smirk, god this control over him has always been addicting. you.. really own him.

“y-yeah..” 

“that means i can do whatever i want with you, doesn’t it? i can break you in every way possible, like a girl scribbling on and cutting the hair of her barbies. you don’t exist outside of me, outside of my pleasure.”

-

“fuck, you’re so hot when you’re sad..” you groan as you press kisses to his hip, and he didn’t even realize you had gotten his shirt off and his pants pulled down. he must have dissociated again. he sighs, upset but unable to will himself up to stop you.

at least you’re trying to please him, he supposes. your hands wandering all over him makes him feel alive, but he wonders if you’re imagining wrapping your hands around his throat and squeezing until he stops moving. maybe you would take a liking to killing. 

or maybe it’s just because it’s leon. leon is your weak, pathetic boyfriend that you’ll play with like a ken doll until you’re bored of him, and then you’ll either put him out of his misery or leave him to rot. maybe murder is mercy for him. the worst part is he looks just like a ken doll, blue eyes and blonde hair, except he’s a bit more broken. a bit scarred. damaged. is that why you don’t want him? he’s not perfect enough?

and then it happens. 

everything stops, his breath catches in his chest, he flinches almost like he’s surprised you still had it in you, but you kiss him. it’s not possessive and dark and commanding like he expects, like he’s begun to tolerate, but it’s you. it’s your softness, hidden underneath, that gentle lover that he misses so desperately. she’s back. she’s real again. 

you rest your forehead against his as you pull away from the kiss, leon chasing your lips briefly before remembering this is your moment, at your pace, but he’s looking up at you like you put the stars in the sky, his eyes sparkling with magic and passion and hope he hasn’t felt in a while. 

“come back to me..” he whispers gently, “i miss you.”

“i.. know,” you frown, and leon can tell you feel guilty. you are the monster in his nightmares, but you are also his guardian angel, “i told you, leon-”

“i know you did, i- i don’t want to fight with you right now,” his eyes flutter closed as you press your lips to his forehead, god he feels so cared for in moments like these.

but he knows they’re not real. he knows this version of you isn’t real, that your love is a false pretense and he is a fool for being swept off his feet by such an obvious facade. a monster that loves you is still a monster.

and leon knows it. knows that you love him, despite his insecurities and doubts. maybe it was safer or easier to ponder whether or not you loved him, to listen to you when you said you didn’t, instead of realizing that you did… just not enough.

he feels your grasp on his waist, the way your hands and mouth ravage his body. he knows you’re possessive, but it still shocks him how truly cruel you are. 

“please…” he whimpers, “be gentle with me..”

“ah, leon.. survived the apocalypse but can’t handle his girlfriend biting him a little too hard..” you chuckle, and it’s soft and you’re being sweet with him again and everything is okay. 

“don’t be like that, come on. it still hurts,” his voice is shaky, making you smile. such a sadist.

“don’t be such a baby,” you tease.

“just- okay, fine, but i don’t want any hickies or bite marks or anything. n-not anywhere visible, at least,” he stumbles when your fingertips drag across his collarbone, “please, baby. i need to hide them, my… my coworkers will get worried.”

he sees it in your eyes. mercy. begging always saved him.

“hmm… open your mouth,” you say, and he’s not even trying to follow the command, but the surprises causes his jaw to drop slightly, and you lean closer, before spitting directly into his mouth. 

your saliva tastes like your favorite flavor of gum, and leon smiles as he recollects that fact. it’s sweet of you to only do something like that to him when it wouldn’t be entirely unpleasant. maybe you didn’t think it out that far, but he likes to think you did. he wants to think you were considerate. he groans as he swallows it without even having to ask, almost sounding dehydrated, like you are his lifeline. 

your intentions, while a tad bit humiliating, are not cruel. but again, you’re showing possession. leon is yours to do whatever you please with. it’s marking your territory, in a way.

“thank you..” he shudders, hands clutching your arms, keeping you close. he’s not truly grateful, but he’s learned his place. 

“you’re welcome,” your tone is condescending, but leon’s thoughts are too far away to realize that. all he knows how to do anymore is be obedient.

a brief silence settles for a moment, as you rest atop of him, gazing at him like a predator does their next meal. 

“do you… want to fuck me now?” he asks awkwardly, cringing at how completely uncool he is. 

maybe someone else would laugh at his lack of charisma, but you just smile softly. 

“is that what you want?” in truth, he does want this. he does want you. and he prides himself on giving you whatever you want, everything, absolutely anything. it’s too bad all you know how to do is take.

he sighs, feeling heavy-hearted and drained. he can’t pinpoint why, “i love you. do whatever you want.”

you blink, and he wonders for a moment if you feel guilty again, but part of him can tell you’re not.

you narrow your eyes. he seems.. broken down by this point. honestly, ‘broken down’ might not exactly be the right wording. ‘broken in’ might be more appropriate. like a pair of boots that are only comfortable once you rough them up a little. 

it’s at that moment that he realizes the softness he saw in you just now is fading away rapidly, replaced again by the monstrous beast that is his darling lover. at least she’s familiar now. it’s his fault. you are exactly who you said you were. he should have believed you. 

he thinks this is it, that this is the last time he’ll get to have you before you leave him. you steal all of his sunshine like a parasite, robbing him of all of his life energy and taking it for yourself. the only way you can feel whole anymore is to take leon apart and use him for everything his mortal body and soul has to offer. 

he remembers being the light in your life, cheering you up when you were down. you were his moon, and he shined his light onto you like the sunlight gives way to moonlight. 

but that isn’t real anymore. you aren’t the damaged but loving person he used to know. 

“are you… going to leave after?” he asks. he’s pouting ever so slightly but he doesn’t realize it.

you just gaze at him, eyes soft but knowing, and he can’t help but crying. he tries so hard not to be clingy or ‘too much’. makes himself less and less to make you comfortable. 

“please don’t leave me,” he cries, “please, i can’t bear to think about it. my… my love, please..”

part of him feels like if he lets you leave again, you won’t ever come back.

he can’t understand why he’s so desperate for you to stay. he feels your hand around his neck as you lean in close to kiss his shoulder, you don’t squeeze but your presence is known and feared just like you like it, your other hand falling lower and lower until… 

leon can’t fathom just how wrong he was about you, about everything in general, but what hurts the most is putting the timeline together. it starts with him realizing he loved you. you realizing you loved him. the gentle, sweet months he got to spend with you. sure, you were unconventional, but he’s not the nuclear family type either. 

to him realizing you didn’t love him, actually. 

to then realizing that you did love him, but not enough to change for him. that one hurt the most.  knowing that you’ll always choose your comfort over him.

and to finally coming to terms with the fact that your love is strong and real but it is rotten, that you and your heart are corrupting him and made something tragic out of him. 

he sighs, letting it all happen. he might as well let you have what you want. he feels your hand rubbing against the fabric of his pants over his crotch, teasing him. 

he’s almost happy you’re using him one last time for sex. it’ll give him something to distract his mind from the sadness that’s creeping into his heart.

“i think… my boy needs to feel good.. so he can stop thinking sad thoughts..” your free hand pulls his sweats down and feel him up over his boxers, and he hates that he’s getting hard. that he likes this. he likes being taken by the big, bad monster.

he lets you touch him, lets you strip him down both metaphorically and physically, until he’s bare, a blank canvas ready to be ruined. he has literal scars from bites that drew blood, teeth bared into his skin like you’re trying to consume him alive. 

maybe you are.

this isn’t intimate sex between two lovers. this is carnage. this is ravaging, taking what is rightfully yours. it may not be violence in its usual form, but you are no less deadly. 

you really can’t help yourself when you have the urge to grab his throat, can you? hold his life in your hands, why don’t you?

he wants to make love to you, to hold you close like he used to, fuck you until your mind let go of its need to be in control, to be apathetic and composed and cold and just let you be the soft soul he knows is in there, fucking somewhere in there. 

instead of that, he gets something completely different. claiming. ownership. you mark your territory like an violent dog, biting and scratching and ruining him until everyone else in his life got the hint that he wasn’t allowed to play with anyone else. 

you’re violently possessive, that’s the only way he can put it. and even now, when he should be kissing you and moaning in your ear about how good you feel around his cock, how perfect you are for him, how he wants to be good for you, exactly what you want in your man, he.. can’t. 

all he can do is whine and whimper like an injured puppy. 

instead of kissing you, he’s begging for mercy. instead of making love to you, he’s lost in a daze of pain, mixed in with the pleasure of his cock buried inside of you. your teeth fucking hurt when you bite him like a damn vampire. just like the last time you were in a possessive mood, you bite him hard enough to make him bleed.

“i… i love you,” he whimpers after the fact, his voice is shaky like he’s desperate, “i love you but you’re… i don’t like it when you’re like this”

“who do you belong to?” you ask, suddenly. 

it feels unrelated, but even though leon’s eyebrows furrow at the question, he responds, like it’s an instinct, or rather more it’s a response he’s gives hundreds of times, “you. it’s.. always gonna be you.”

“… i love you too, you know. sometimes i think you don’t believe me,” rich coming from the ‘i don’t love anybody’ girl, he thinks, “but i do. i’m always gonna love you. you just don’t like the way i love you.”

“because the way you love me is killing me.”

“i’m not a killer. you asked me to let you in. this is the real me, leon. if you don’t like what you see… then don’t look.”

“i do but i-”

“you wish you were the exception to the rule. you want to be the reason i change. honestly, leon? i’ll never get better. and i told you that months ago, but you never listened. you thought you could fix me.”

“you aren’t broken,” he whispers.

“then why do you insist on changing me?” 

he scoffs, “that’s rich coming from you.” he knows you’ll get annoyed at him for his sass, but he can’t help it. you’re a violent hypocrite and he adores you, but he can’t ignore the irony of you feeling forced to change.

you tighten your grip on his neck, and he should have told you months ago but he hates being choked. brings up old memories that he’d rather not remember. he doesn’t really know why he lets you do it, why he tolerates it. maybe it’s because you seem so pleased to be in control of his life like that. he can’t afford to piss you off too much. you might like murder a little too much. 

“why do you insist on fixing me?” you ask again. loosing up your grip to let him talk.

“i… i never wanted to fix you. i just wanted you to love me. i wanted… to make you happy.”

he lets out the cutest gasp when you finally use your free hand to pull his cock free, not even bothering to pull his boxers down all the way.

“awh, you’re still so soft, baby. do you not want me?” you taunt him, and he quickly tries to reassure you, shaking his head. 

“n-no! i do! i want you, just.. just give me a second..” he stutters helplessly, but his voice gives out when you lean down to kiss his hip bone, and then your lips trail down lower and lower, adoring his thighs with the remnants of your lip gloss, “oh god…”

he’s pretty. pretty like a prey animal. 

you decide that maybe its not fair to him that he’s almost butt naked and you’re still fully clothed, so you undress too. leon appreciates that you do it to please him. 

“i… you’re so fucking pretty,” he whimpers, begging you to kiss him again. can he just pretend like you’re making love? instead of… whatever this is? 

his cock isn’t super big, so it’s not hard to fit inside, especially since he’s just barely getting hard. seeing your body was enough to get him going. he likes everything about you. every beauty mark or mole or freckle, every scar and each divot and curve, he adores you.

your smile isn’t appreciative. it is greedy. avaricious. you.. need more of him. 

“you feel… so perfect inside of me..” you groan, the grip on his neck tightening as he obediently rocks his hips up to fuck you. his hands grasp at the sheets, white knuckles displaying how tense he feels. 

a shaky, almost fearful moan escapes his throat, “please.. please don’t squeeze that hard.”

again, leon doesn’t like being choked.. so many times he’s almost been killed, and yet… you don’t seem to care. you don’t squeeze hard enough to make him pass out, but he’s getting lightheaded, so much so that you’re having to pick up the slack of bouncing on his cock since he’s unable to keep pace. he just lays there helplessly while you steal away his life.

“leon..” you tease, holding in a giggle, and trying to stir his attention, but his eyes get cloudy and he can’t focus on you, can’t look you in the eye meaningfully.

all he can respond with is a half-hearted attempt at a ‘huh?’. it’s honestly kind of cute how easily fucked out he gets. you ease up, and he breathes deeply for the first time in a couple minutes, gasping out ‘thank you’s like you just saved his life instead of almost killing him. 

“i’m sorry you got stuck with someone like me, baby,” you murmur, you’re not really sorry. tears fall down his cheeks, and you lean down to lick them up like a dog drinks her water. he cringes, disgusted at the feeling, but you own him so intrinsically.. how could he ever stop you from doing exactly what you wanted to him? this was your world. he just lived in it.

—

leon wakes up the next morning, expecting to be alone in your shared bedroom after you had left. you’re not completely awful, you clean him up and bandage any cuts after you finished with him… and leon realizes he doesn’t exactly remember anything after you choking him a little too aggressive, he must have passed out. did he cum even while unconscious? he’s almost impressed.

he doesn’t remember you leaving, just the looming thought in his mind that you will leave. there was no doubt about it.

you’re not there, clearly, and he doesn’t hear you anywhere in the bathroom or in the kitchen. the silence is deafening. 

maybe you’re on a walk to clear your head? 

maybe… you’re really gone.

but your stuff is still at home, so he thinks you might still stay. he cant decide if that’s a good thing. sure, he can’t exist without you, so codependent it’s pathetic, but… you’re not exactly good for him. maybe it’d do him some good to pull himself together and get over you. if he even can.

he loves you. helplessly. desperately. but you love his pain more than you love him. that’s the truth and there’s no denying that. you are.. exactly who you said you’d be. it’s his fault for not believing you.

[lexosaurus]

I worked as a substitute teacher for a few years and one day I helped sub in an 8th grade science class. They were doing math like speed=distance/time. But they had a...really odd method for it. That I commented on because I'd never heard of it before.

And the teacher was straight up like "Oh yeah, this makes it really easy for them to do it for the tests. But its going to really fuck them up next year when they are in high school because they won't understand how to reverse the division. But that's not my problem."

And that comment has lived in my head so much. Like, she just did NOT care that the method was bad in the long run. She just needed them to pass the state test that year.

Also, it's literally a very basic formula, what do you MEAN?

Ohhhhh yeah. That's not exactly the issue in my district, as funding for us isn't directly tied to our state exam scores (thank god). Mine is dealing with both grade inflation and no grades below high school. So kids don't want to learn things if they're not graded on the material. Which is fair, honestly, as I also would not have wanted to learn things I didn't like if I wasn't given a grade or any consequences for not knowing it either. Mine's also dealing with a lot of the "memorization bad" thing that's going around, hence why the kids are entering high school not knowing any of their times tables. They just used a calculator their entire lives. They have NO concept of what numbers mean.

Like, at the start of the year, I asked one of my classes what 2 + 0 was and I got about thirty seconds of 15 kids shouting every number except 2. Which was sort of wild to witness.

At the start of the year, we did a week of review and then we had all the freshmen take a quiz of 7th and 8th grade level easy math problems as a sort of wake up call for them. No quiz corrections either, which they've never not been allowed to retake a test before...

The class average was a C-. Unsurprisingly.

Content Teacher warned me right before she posted the grades, and I spent a LOT of time that afternoon talking the kids down from a metaphorical ledge.

Lots of angry parent phone calls, too, but the math department held firm. The students HAVE to know how to solve this stuff. They NEED to know their basic times tables, they NEED to know how basic fractions work, they NEED to know how to rearrange one-step equations.

After that, we had our Very Frank Class Discussion about how they felt about their education. They felt very frustrated and unprepared, which we validated as we're also frustrated that they're so unprepared. But we were honest about other things. We told them that they couldn't get by just sitting there on their phone and copying the answers off the key anymore. We aren't going to reward an A for minimal effort. Yes, you have to take notes, and yes, you have to follow along with classroom example of problems or you won't pass the class. The students are responsible for their education, we all offer extra help, all our emails are open, all they need to do is ask and we'll never turn them away. But they do need to start taking advantage of all the learning opportunities/supports they have now.

Honestly, I'm so glad we had that convo with them. Felt like they got to vent a lot of their frustrations, and they realized that we were here to push them, but we're NOT their enemy. All our students have a study hall block, and if they come to one of our rooms for even 10 minutes out of the entire hour, we will help them however they need.

A lot of my Freshmen have been really really good about coming for extra help, or emailing and asking if they can stop by for a few minutes to do a few homework problems 1-1 with me.

(And yes, for those worried, while we didn't let them retake that first quiz, two weeks later we did give them another assessment after on the same material, but with slightly harder problems and worth more points. Class average was a B!)

I tried to keep this short, but I guess I had a lot to say aksjnfksjdnkajn

[dflogerzi]

I came back this evening to say something. Maybe two things.

I have no idea where I am going with this. But will be going somewhere. It sort of began this morning... I felt so weary reading the latest stories about Catherine. Not from the uplifting ones, but the others in what has become a past month of constant conflicts. Ugh. I am feeling so protective... like please, leave her alone now. She is going to go through a difficult treatment that will tire her, rob her immune system, and the need to follow it closely to heal. She also needs time to spend with three young children, the youngest of which is barely school age.

It is heartbreaking. Now for what else is really bugging me. Through these days I have seen things posted here by friends sharing, that were written by Meghan's followers that have been so unbelievable... I cannot even go there. And go there I never do on my own. I do not care what sugars are writing. They are writing as they do. I just stick to my own sense of integrity and side of the street. My breaking point was however, in learning just this afternoon about the Baroness Bruck account. I had no idea. I do have an account on Twitter that I very seldom go to, but I went over and sure enough... I had followed this person back in the older times.

I unfollowed. But not until after I read a few tweets to be certain. And one especially just took my breath totally away. I find myself feeling very down. The ugly is more than anyone should endure who has done nothing but serve with loyalty, grace, and kindness. I just want Catherine to take the time she needs however long, and I may need a little bit of a break myself.

This is a place I come to visit, sometimes to romp, occasionally to vent. I learn things here, share when I can, and get away for a small measure of time from the other worries of the world. I appreciate each person in this community, even when we differ on the subjects we share in common. It means a lot to me.

Okay. What a mess of a ramble. I am not going anywhere. I understand that I am in this until the end of the story. Whatever that is.

Guess I will publish. Hope I feel better afterwards.

[nyaskitten]

This is such an insanely good scene To Me and we genuinely do not talk about it as often as we should even though it makes me so autistic... So I'm just gonna analyze it, looking mainly at Ras' manipulation tactics.

First, you have Ras, pissed off in an alley, angrily complaining about his woes, when suddenly Beatrix approaches him with an offer. (This scene will later be paralleled in the finale, but Jordana takes the initial role of Ras, and Ras takes the role of both Beatrix and himself, the Approacherrr and the Manipulatorrr.)

Ras stops, because he hears Beatrix's footsteps before her shadow appears on-screen, and based on the lighting the shadows appear to be pretty long, this scene occurs either early in the morning or late in the afternoon. We're gonna go with early in the morning, as a reverse parallel to Jordana's scene, which is pretty late at night, so already you got an additional parallel.

Ras turns around to see Beatrix approach, he gets her name right the first time, but then proceeds to ask if she could be Zeatrix instead in a slightly fake tone. She reacts angrily, of course, and Ras feigns surprise at getting it wrong, and bows respectfully, as a means of apology. This was the immediate start to his manipulation, in "confusing" their names, he was feeding into Beatrix's anger, which he continues to do in this scene, and then later on with Jordana, both in the s1 finale and in season 2!

When Beatrix says she's interested in Ras' offer of unlimited power, he seems like he may be genuinely shocked at her willingness to join him, however given the tone he takes on, this may be another tactic to further play into her anger, asking her why she'd do it so she could explain, and just get even angrier.

When Beatrix vents about how Zeatrix's birth robbed her of elemental power and Levo's father, Ras says elemental power is a cheat, and someone who may not deserve it gets it anyway, this time wearing his manipulation on his face with a smirk, he Wants her angry, he wants her rage.

Ras then fakes a scoff and waves his hand around, asking a question he likely already knew the answer to, about Zeatrix being the future Empress of Imperium, and getting Beatrix even Madder as she explains she will be left with nothing, while Zeatrix gets everything.

Ras smirks yet again, and claims it to be a waste of her "true potential." Now, I have made a post about this specific line before (which I can no longer find) but basically, I think him putting emphasis on the "true potential" is Also meant ot anger her. Why?

Aside from real-world usage, in Ninjago, ones True Potential is, as we all know, them unlocking their element properly, so in saying it's a "waste of her True Potential," it's like Ras wants to rub in the fact that she lacks powers, that she can never Have that moment like her sister, where she finally figures out what holds her back, and unlocks her powers, because she's powerless.

Beatrix asks Ras to help her in seizing the throne, offering him the resources he needs to capture a Source Dragon, and in response, Ras bows to her, as he did earlier, and he goes "As you wish, Empress Beatrix," and he smiles yet again, he's succeeded, he's manipulated Beatrix, he's gotten her angry enough that she's willing to trust him, and murder her father to seize control.

Everything Ras did in this scene was to feed into her anger, hell, the way he glances at her at the end of the cold open, part of me thinks he Knew she was gonna follow, maybe he was anticipating it, hence, the glance. Ras was angry only until he needed to manipulate, in which case he became this instigating force, there to listen to Beatrix's rage, and make her even worse.

[kasagia]

you can make a one-shot for klaus mikaelson very much in love with y/n based on the song i wanna be yours by arctic monkeys (you can do it from klaus's point of view)

I wanna be yours

Pairing: Klaus Mikaelson x Katherine's sister! reader Summary: Over the ages, Klaus finally matures to admit that he has fallen in love with you, Katherine Pierce's sister. However, can you two be more than occasional "once in a century" one-night stands? Can he be yours, and you only his? Nonsense from me: So sorry it took me so long. I hope You like it. <;3 Warning(s): the reader is afraid of relationships and commitments; Klaus loves the reader, but it takes 400 years for him to realize it; violence; blood; curses; and so on Word count: ???(9k)???(I don't know why and when it became so long, and I'm a little nervous that it's such a long tapeworm)

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner Breathing in your dust

It started very innocently, like any real apocalypse or nightmare. Klaus didn't even realize when Y/N Petrova—the sister of the cold bitch, pain in the ass, and one and only Katherine Pierce—stole his heart.

Yes. She stole it. Klaus did not believe that he would willingly give her the meager remnants of his humanity (even if he hated them).

He could easily have been hiding his unwanted desire for centuries. Occasional encounters with the younger Petrova, their accidental, intense trysts, and once-in-a-century one-night stands, were completely enough to quench his thirst for this diabolical, dangerous woman.

But since their paths met again in Mystic Falls (while searching for a cure for vampirism), Klaus wanted more.

He desperately sought her slightest attention. He followed her around the city like a shadow. He stayed with her as much as he could, even giving her access to his cure research and telling her what he did know about it… well, part of it - Mikaelson can't trust the devil's sister. But everything he was doing since she arrived was just for Y/N to find her way back to his bed again.

He needed to vent his lust to Y/N. He was sure that after one night together he would revert to his murderous habits and continue his ruthless fight for the cure without the (delightfully tempting and beautiful) distractions around him. He was wrong. Terrible wrong.

Her warmth, touch, scent, the softness of her skin, the wonderful moans that lingered in his mind, the delighted look on her blissful post-orgasmic face, and the soothing weight of her body on his as she fell peacefully asleep were like a nercotic to Klaus.

He needed more.

He needed more of her. He would take from her everything she could give him. Even if it was her hate, anger, frustration, or just pure physical desire. Even if being with her was leading to his downfall. She was a siren, and he willingly fell for her alluring song like a foolish pirate.

And now, lying with Y/N in his arms, as he tenderly combed her hair after a passionate night they spent together, he couldn't get the one stupid, irritatingly frequent thought out of his mind.

He wanted to be hers.

I wanna be your Ford Cortina I will never rust

He remembered the day when their mutual interest in each other turned into something more. (At least on his side.)

Y/N and Katerina were hiding from the originals in Venice. Klaus and his brother, thanks to their vampires, found the sisters there. So under the cover of night, masks on their faces, they mingled with the celebrating crowd.

Klaus sensed her before he saw her.

The scent of her sweet perfume hit his nostrils, enforcing his determination to find the fleeing vampire. He had to find her. Now.

He made his way through the crowd of people, searching among the masks and bodies for the one person who, despite such blatant betrayal, could easily soothe his anger with one banal kiss.

He remembered clearly one day teasing Elijah that he was starting to care about Katerina. He had no idea then that the younger Petrova was already paving the way to his cold, dead heart. Or that Y/N had him wrapped around her little finger. Klaus laughed bitterly, remembering his old words. "We do not feel and we do not care, Elijah." What would his former self think of him if it saw him chasing the slightest trace of the woman who had thwarted his plans to become a hybrid? What would he say if it came out that all Klaus wants to do now with the youngest Petrova is kiss the living hell out of her and lock her in his arms forever?

And when he saw her. On a gondola in the middle of one of the rivers, when her night-black mask concealed her beautiful face and eyes, which sparkled in the light of torches and lanterns floating above the water, he felt something he hadn't felt for a very long time and was very frightened to admit to himself...

For these eyes, many men have completely lost their minds. Suddeny, she looked in his direction, subconsciously sensing that she was being watched. And in this moment, when their eyes met, Klaus knew that, like those unfortunate fools before him, he too was lost forever. It takes her one look to make him forget his main goal.

In a second, he was on the other side of the river. He was standing on the pier, waiting for her gondola to reach the shore.

"Hello, love." he said, extending his hand to help her out. With incredible grace, she stood next to him, completely ignoring his gesture. He smiled. That's what he loved about her. Stubborn, steadfast independence.

"Klaus. I guess you're not here for food and music?" he smiled involuntarily, ignoring her feigned hostile tone as her irises met his again.

"I much prefer beautiful views. But you're right, my main goal was not to enjoy the festival. I had… completely different plans."

"With my sister? I can assure you that I'm much better company than Katerina. We may have… a different kind of play together. Much more pleasurable." she said with a seductive smile, blinking her eyelashes innocently as her hand played with the sleeve of his coat, occasionally touching the skin of his rough palm with her soft fingertips.

Another reminder of how different they were from each other.

"Are you trying to distract me so your lovely sister can run away again?"

"You tell me…" Y/N took a step towards him, pressing her chest against his. She licked her lips, drawing his heavy, watchful gaze. "Am I a good distraction, my lord?" she whispered, leaning closer to him so that their noses were touching.

Klaus had never been this close to her lips... but he couldn't afford to indulge in his darkest desires. Not like this - thanks to a cunning plan hatched by the Petrova siblings.

"You're playing a very dangerous game, love…" he responded quietly, slipping his hands into her hair. And when their lips would finally meet after century of chasing, he pushed her a decent distance away from him. Y/N gasped in outrage as she nearly bumped into the crates with fruits behind her. "You should be careful, or you'll get burned because of it someday. And know when and on whom to use those sweet eyes of yours, which can work, but only on lesser men. Now get away with Katerina before I change my mind."

Without waiting for her response, he headed in the opposite direction, leaving the young vampire behind. But Y/N wouldn't let him go that easily.

"You won't fool me! Not about that!" He turned to her, raising an eyebrow questioningly. Klaus was doing his best to hide from the woman in front of him his stupid fondness for her. He was the original vampire, a hybrid, and the most powerful and fearsome being on this earth. He couldn't have a weakness, much less a simple woman who had tricked him, escaped, and ruined his plans. But all he could do was stand there and watch her in fascination as she got angrier with every step closer to him. "I see desire in your eyes every time you look at me. You want me, and that's why you're playing cat and mouse with us, but you know what? I'm tired of taking orders. From Katerina, you, and others who best know what I should do."

"So? What are you going to do, love?" he asked, smiling maliciously in challenge. He was genuinely curious to see where the young vampire's frustration and fury might lead him today. She must have had a good argument with her sister before he got here. Otherwise, she would never touch him.

Y/N used her vampire-speed and pinned him to the wall of one of the buildings.

They stared into each other's eyes, building tension with anticipation of what both of them had wanted since they met. Y/N's running away and him killing her family didn't seem to be conducive to building a romance. But now, when so much time has passed and the youngest Petrova is still struggling with the vampire's heightened emotions? They succumbed to the pleasures of a forbidden affair, finally connecting their lips in their first lustful, passionate kiss.

"What time is it?" Y/N's soft, surly mumbling against his neck snapped Klaus out of his memories. He glanced at the alarm clock.

9 a.m.

"6 a.m." he lied to her, tightening his grip around her half-asleep body. He wasn't ready to let her go yet.

"So stop staring at me and go back to sleep, half-wolfie." she mumbled, squirming in his arms until she found a comfortable position with her head right over his heart and her legs between his.

"Half-wolfie?" he asked amusedly, laughing softly, which made the vampire's head bob slightly. She rose for a moment, opening one eye and shooting him a angry glare.

"Would you rather be an crossbreed? Sleep or I will take another bedroom in this ridiculously large house." she groaned, laying her head on his chest again.

"As you wish, love." he murmured, kissing the top of her head and letting himself go back to sleep, hugging the one woman he could never truly have.

Because no matter how many nights they spend together or how much time they devote to each other during the day, all they will be are midnight lovers, hiding their relationship.

They stood on opposite sides of the barricade.

Y/N would never leave Katerina, and Klaus wouldn't abandon his siblings for the younger Petrova.

The world and fate were against them.

And Klaus was the only one who was ready to fight with them, only to gain the feeling of a sleeping beauty in his arms.

If you like your coffee hot Let me be your coffee pot You call the shots babe I just wanna be yours

The problem that has plagued Klaus for ages is that he and Y/N could never truly belong together.

He couldn't make any claims to her, and every time he tried to transfer their friend/enemy relationship with benefits to something more, younger Petrova brought him down to earth. He never cared much about it. He believed that Y/N needed time to understand her feelings for him. However, one conversation he overheard put his hopes of being hers in great doubt.

"What's going on with you and Klaus?" Katerina laughed out loud, obviously genuinely amused by something. "Don't make that face. I was talking to Kol about how often you show up at their mansion at night and you don't really go to gossip with Rebekah or Elijah. Are you two together?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." she brushed it off, trying to get off topic.

"Oh come on, spill the beans! Do you love him?" Klaus unconsciously held his breath. His heart was beating wildly, waiting for her answer that could change everything between them, made his deepest dreams come true.

"If you must know, I don't love him. It is just sex. Very good and pleasant sex. No feelings except pure, animal desire and passion." Klaus felt as if he had been punched in the stomach. Yeah. What was he counting on? After all, no one could love a monster like him. Unconditional, sincere love was not meant for him… even if he wanted it so much.

"Ugh, okay! Spare me the details, I don't want to vomit. But I thought you…"

"Love is a vampire's greatest weakness, Katerina. And we are not weak." his breathing quickened as he realized the true meaning of her words.

She heard them. Somehow, 1,000 years ago, she'd heard him talking to Elijah about love in a vampire's life... Back when he didn't believe in the true power of such a thing as love.

"And what about me, then?"

"You're my sister. That's something different. Now, I have to go. See you tomorrow." he hid in the shadows, waiting for the two women to pass him, and stayed there for a while.

Even though Klaus' heart was broken into a thousand little pieces, he knew he couldn't resist Y/N. He would take anything she could give him. Even that delusion of romance and a loving relationship that he both dreamed of and hated at the same time.

He couldn't believe he could just fall for her when he knew full well that things between them could only be physical. However, he soon found out that love really doesn't choose.

Secrets I have held in my heart Are harder to hide than I thought Maybe I just wanna be yours I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours

Klaus wasn't about to show it to her. It was supposed to be a secret he would take with him to the grave (if someone managed to kill him). However, Y/N's curiosity, coupled with his lack of focus on finding the cure, made a very bad, devastating combination. He finally managed to focus on something other than the vampire who had been distracting him for centuries, and for a moment of inattention everything went haywire again. Ages of slowly and uncertainly, but still, winning Y/N's heart have gone to hell.

Only because he didn't lock up his damn art studio.

Kol is going to laugh so fucking hard when he finds out. His younger brother will never let him forget that he lost the love of his life because she was scared by a million paintings of her in his house. She probably thought he was a goddamn stalker.

Klaus stood in the doorway, watching Y/N's expressionless face. He admired and hated her ability to hide her emotions. He had the impression that she always read him like an open book. He couldn't hide anything from her. But she could easily hide from anyone behind her mask. It was both terrifying and fascinating at the same time.

"Are you going to say something?" he finally asked after waiting a long time for any reaction from her.

She shifted her gaze from the paintings to him. Klaus felt shivers run through his body. He couldn't remember the last time he felt such intense fear.

"Well, it's... it's nice. But you painted my nose wrong."

"What?! I didn't! I..." he stopped when he heard her burst out laughing after valiant attempts to hold back. A smile involuntarily formed on his face upon hearing this beautiful and rare sound. "You're not mad… or scared?"

"Of what? You weren't able to paint my nose properly? Or putting on me a yellow dress when you know that I hate that color?"

"It's not yellow, it's orange mixed with… Do you really have to tease me like that? Stop laughing, bloody woman."

"I'm sorry, you just make a funny face when you're protecting your art. To be honest, it's so sweet." she laughed so loudly that she had to lean in half.

"You should know better than to mock a very powerful and angry hybrid, love." he grunted in anger. Y/N, seeing how grumpy he had become, walked over to him with a cute smile. Klaus groaned internally. He didn't know which was worse. She running away from him or teasing him about it for the foreseeable future.

"Do you really think that after I saw all those paintings you can threaten me? I know you're obsessed with me, so I'm the most fucking safest person on earth." she bragged, throwing her arms around his shoulders.

"Don't be complacent, your pretty features are not unusual. I have seen many of them in my long life." he grunted, slapping her hands off of him.

"And yet I'm the only one who has a private collection of portraits made by the mighty hybrid."

"You won't let it go, would you?" he sighed, looking at the very amused woman as he tried to ignore the growing, warm feeling in his chest. God. How come that just hearing her laugh made him feel calm and happy?

"Nope." she said, putting her hands again on his shoulders and pulling him closer to her as she was playing with his hair. "But it's quite a nice feeling... you know, being your one and only beloved muse."

"Someone here is terribly pleased with themselves. I think I have to remind you of your place." he grunted feistily, grabbing her waist.

"I'd like to see you try."

Suddenly, Klaus swung her over his shoulder and slapped her bottom as he carried the laughing woman to his bedroom. Yeah... he was definitely in love with her.

Wanna be yours Wanna be yours Wanna be yours

Klaus began to squirm in the bed, trying to pull Y/N's warm body to him, which he had somehow lost in his sleep. He froze in place, feeling the emptiness on the other side of the bed. A familiar bitterness and disappointment took over his body. He could have guessed that she would leave him as usual. However, as he became more aware of his surroundings, he heard her muffled voice coming from the bathroom. She was talking to someone. This time she didn't leave him, she even stayed with him all night! Excitement and hope rose involuntarily in him. Maybe this time it will be different?

"Yes, Katherine, I know. I don't know how I overslept either. I know I'm irresponsible, and I'm ruining our plans. No. I'm not enjoying this situation, you're just acting like you got your period magically. It's not my fault I missed the plane, believe me, and don't you dare take your anger out on me just because you had a fight with Elijah. Talk to me when you've calmed down. I'm not going to be your punching bag. Bye." The bathroom door handle began to move, and Klaus quickly closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep.

Y/N walked into the room and sighed as she dropped the phone into her purse. She ran a hand through her hair in nervousness and turned to the hybrid. 

"I know you're awake. You stopped snoring." the man snorted indignantly, opening his eyes and appreciating her underwear-clad body. He could wake up to this view every day. "I'll castrate your brother as soon as I see him. You're lucky you're useful, or you'd have suffered the same fate for tricking me this morning."

"Very brave for an ordinary vampire to plan an attack on the original as the first thing to do in the morning. Apart from that, I don't snore."

"My nights experience with you says otherwise. And please, we both know I'm not just an ordinary vampire. You'd better make up for your deception toward me today before I get offended and seek someone else's company. Maybe Damon will be perfect? I've heard that for Katherine, he is very good in..."

Klaus cut her off by pinning her against the wall. Their chests rubbed against each other, her lacy bra teasing his bare, exposed skin. She raised an eyebrow, completely unimpressed. Klaus growled, baring her neck and extending his fangs to teasingly run them over her most sensitive spots.

"You will not talk about another man in my bedroom. These lips..." he said, resting his thumb against her soft pink lip, forcing Y/N to part her mouth. "Can only whisper, scream and moan my name. I must have been too gentle with you yesterday if you had the audacity to tease me like that. Maybe I should make sure you know who you belong to?"

"I don't belong to anyone."

"Wrong answer, love." he growled throatily, pulling her against him and pushing her against the bed as he climbed over her until their faces floated at the same height.

"What are you going to do? Fuck me to death? You should know better than to scare me with a good time, Niklaus."

"I'm going to do something completely different, love." Y/N raised an eyebrow questioningly, challenging him. Suddenly, fear flickered in her eyes as she realized his true intentions.

"No, Nik. We agreed never to…"

"That was ages ago, love." he murmured with a smirk as he began tickling her over the bare skin of her sensitive belly that was exposed to him.

"NO! HAHAH-NIK, STOP! I-HAHAHA!" she screamed, throwing herself into his arms, trying to avoid his fingers.

"I'm sorry. There is no mercy for you, love. At least you apologize."

"I"M-HAHAHA SORRY! PLEASE-HAHAHA SSSTOP IT!"

"You know what I meant, Y/N." he replied unfazed, only strengthening his attack against her sensitive skin.

"I CAN'T WITH-HAHAHAHAH YOUR FINGERS-HAHAHAH ON ME-AHAHAHA!" Klaus took pity on her, stopping to tickle her as he studied her red-laughing face intently as she took in quick, short breaths. "I hate you." she panted, breathing heavily. Klaus took a breath to answer her, but his sister's scream stopped him.

"Nik! Kol is in danger! He went to the Gilbert house to kill Jeremy, and they still have an white oak stake left! What the bloody hell?! Y/N?!" she screamed, turning her back to them two as soon as she entered the room and saw... THIS.

The two vampires looked at each other in shock.

"Hi, Rebekah. That's not what it looks like."

"So you don't fuck my brother?"

"Well, I did it earlier, but… Klaus, could you please get off me? This is awkward enough already."

"And put some clothes on you for the love of God!" Rebekah added, still with her back to them. Once they were both decent, Rebekah looked at them in disbelief.

"You two... How? When?!"

"Some 400 years ago. So, Kol…"

"WHAT?! But you hate each other! Well, maybe he's staring at you with puppy dog eyes in love, but you loathe him!" she shouted, pointing at her grumpy brother with her finger.

Klaus rolled his eyes. He didn't care at all about what situation Rebekah found them in. His siblings had an extraordinary tendency to come into his bedroom at more... steamy moments. To be honest, he was more surprised that Rebekah had only discovered their little secret now. Talking about her.

The original turned his curious gaze to Y/N. Again, their future was in her hands. But the vampire didn't seem eager to change their relationship in any way. Certainly not in the way Klaus had dreamed of for so long...

"Am I the only one in this room who actually cares about your brother's life? What did Kol do this time?" her attention turned away from her the penetrating gaze of the man sitting next to her.

Y/N breathed a sigh of relief as the siblings plunged into conversation. However, from the look Klaus gave her, she knew things would change drastically between them in the next few days. She could no longer avoid his longing glances and dismiss his attempts to establish a friendly, partner relationship instead of stopping at their one-night stands. But did she want to change anything?

Let me be your leccy meter And I'll never run out And let me be the portable heater That you'll get cold without

"It's a cold night." he said, sneaking up behind her and throwing his cloak over her shoulders. "I dare say that a short dress doesn't help keep you warm."

"Don't even start. I'm just waiting for the moment when I can wear pants without getting those judging, murderous looks from other women and lecherous expressions on the faces of these perverts."

"Rebekah says the same thing…" he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and fastened the buttons on his coat. Y/N giggled, returning Klaus' blue eyes to her face again. Only then did the man realize what he was doing, and he let go of the buttons, leaving her half-buttoned with a mischievous smirk on her lips. He felt his cheeks heat up slightly. "What are you doing here?"

"Katherine is playing with humans nearby. I thought I'd drop by for a visit and see for myself this great kingdom you've built, Klaus the Madness." she replied, leaning again against the railing of his balcony and staring out at the lively, dancing streets of New Orleans.

The light from the street lamp illuminated her face. Klaus absorbed all the changes that had taken place in her appearance, stating only that she was even more beautiful than when they last met. He didn't know how she did it.

"Is my fame starting to finally overtake me?" he asked, joining her side quickly. Y/N looked at him with a teasing smile, playing with the bracelet on his wrist. The same she gave him an century ago. She didn't think Klaus was sentimental enough to keep it.

"You are on the lips of all supernaturals in the world." she finally replied, shifting her gaze to his eyes, which shone in the light of the street lamp.

"Well, I would rather be on the tempting lips of only one, beautiful supernatural."

"And who could it be, my lord?" she replied in an equally flirtatious tone as her hand began to travel along his arm and muscles.

"Those mesmerizing eyes and cheeky lips will put you someday in a big trouble, love."

"Please, I'm Y/N Petrova. I'm always in danger, but I can get myself out. And also…" she kissed him, slowly undoing the buttons on his shirt. Klaus groaned, drawing her closer with one arm and cupping her warm cheek with the other hand. God, he missed the feeling of her in his arms. She pulled away from him, placing one finger over his lips, and staring at his eyes dilated with lust as they both breathed heavily. She ran one hand over the exposed skin of his chest, suddenly grabbing his necklace and pulling him to her with all her strength so that their noses rubbed against each other. "I'm not afraid of you."

"And that is your great mistake, love."

"Probably." she whispered, licking her lips in anticipation. She smiled as soon as she saw his gaze follow the movement of her tongue.

"Definitely." he replied, grabbing her waist, lifting her, and vampire-speeding her to his bedroom, where they could be as loud and as naked as they wanted.

That night was amazing. One of the best they had: she visited him for the first time in his beloved city, the home he built and hoped it would be theirs in the future, where he is for Y/N something more than a nightly forbidden pleasure. However, the pain of rejection when Klaus woke up in the morning among cold sheets with no goodbye note effectively pulled him out of this childish fantasy of belonging to her. He could never really have her. And Y/N reminded him about it every time.

I wanna be your setting lotion (Wanna be) Hold your hair in deep devotion (How deep?) At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean I wanna be yours

"What you were thinking about?! YOU COULD DIE THERE!" Klaus yelled at the woman as Rebekah took the last bits of wood out of the vampire's wound. She was only allowed into Y/N because Klaus' hands were too trembling for him to remove the white oak from his vampire's body by himself. Kol watched with great guilt as Petrova winced in pain.

"If that kid hit Kol, Rebekah wouldn't have much to fix, Klaus. I would be nothing but ashes, and you know that. Besides, I can say the same about you. You ran in there uninvited and ran out with me in your arms when you almost passed out from the pain yourself. What if they had more stakes? You could have died too." he ignored her, thrashing about the room in anger. Y/N snorted, falling onto the couch, so she got more comfortable while Rebekah was searching for the last splinter.

"I'm going to burn down their hellhouse as soon as I put my dear little brother back in the coffin." Kol jumped up from the couch with a horrified look.

"What?! But Nik, I..." the original tried to explain himself but stopped when Klaus threw a bottle at him.

"You went there even though you knew full well that they could kill us! You are a danger not only to yourself and Y/N but also to us, showing them how weak and easy to kill we are. You don't remember what the hell happened to Finn?! You want to share his bloody fate!" he shouted, walking towards his brother. Y/N jumped up from her seat and stood between the brothers, placing her hand on the hybrid's furiously beating heart.

"Klaus. You need to calm down."

"Go away, Y/N. This is between me and Kol. Rebekah, take her somewhere safe until I can deal with this mess our brother created." he growled at his sister, not giving the woman in front of him a single glance.

"No."

"What did you say?" he growled, finally looking at her for the first time since he saw little Gilbert stake her (luckily for the young hunter, he missed).

"I said no, Niklaus. You won't tell me what to do. If I want to, I'll take a stake for him again and again. I'll even protect him from your stupid daggers, and you can't change that." Rebekah and Kol nodded, both agreeing to leave the room as soon as "mom and dad" began to fight. They left unnoticed as the two stared at each other. Y/N with incredible calm; Klaus with incredible fury.

Why is she so devoted to Kol? What did he do that Y/N, without a moment's hesitation, threw herself in front of him to protect him from the white oak? What did he say to her to elicit such feelings from her?

"Why? What happened that you suddenly started feeling so strongly attached? I thought you were afraid of commitment, love." he asked bitterly, with clear resentment in his voice.

"Don't you dare to do this about us."

"YOU ALWAYS DOING IT ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT NOT US!" he shouted, tired of hiding his emotions. Especially after less than 15 minutes ago, she was in danger of dying in his arms. He had had enough. He was tired. And the object of his only desire did everything in her power to make things difficult for him. Yet he still couldn't be mad at her.

Good thing Kol got the hell out of there. Otherwise, his brother would have ripped off his head with my bare hands.

"Klaus, there is no time for..."

"Do you love him?" he asked, interrupting her. Panic rose in his chest, waiting for her answer—for Y/N to plunge the dagger into his barely beating heart and destroy whatever hope was left in him.

"What?!"

"You've heard me. Do you love my brother?"

"Yes. And this is exactly why I was fucking with you for the last 400 bloody years! My god, are you so blinded by your rage at Kol that it attacks your last brain cells?! That you insinuate some made-up, idiotic stuff and pounce on everyone like a rabid dog?!" she screamed, walking up to him unconsciously so that she was shouting it straight in his face.

"It's not anger that controls me." he growled through his teeth, clenching his fists in anger.

"Then what is it?!"

"Do you really want me to say it out loud, Y/N?" he whispered, staring at her softly. Y/N immediately calmed down. The atmosphere in the room changed from agitated to terrifyingly calm. They could both hear their frantically beating hearts in the oppressive silence between them.

"I..."

"NIKLAUS!" Elijah's scream and his quick footsteps interrupted their conversation. The woman thanked all the gods above who had sent the original at that moment.

"The worst bloody moment." Klaus whispered under his breath, thinking she wouldn't hear him, and brushed past her, leaving her alone in the room.

And Y/N wondered, breathing heavily after their argument… did she really want to hear THAT from Klaus? Was she ready for such a big change in their lives?

Secrets I have held in my heart Are harder to hide than I thought Maybe I just wanna be yours I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours

"Miss Mystic Falls? Are you kidding me? You know, if you're sending me a dress with a place to visit, I'm expecting more than some stupid, stiff party for teenage girls and their rich parents." she whined, walking around the pond with the laughing hybrid.

"Be quieter, love. These girls have pretty sharp nails."

"And I've got fangs, claws, and you. I'm damn better armed." she said, counting on her fingers, smirking mischievously.

"Should I take that as a compliment or an insult?"

"As if you cared if I offended you."

"Well since we're on our date..."

"Date?! First of all, since when do you even date? Secondly, we're not on one. And third: a beautiful dress will not suddenly win you my favor. Aside from the fact that neither of us is suited to any kind of relationship, I have to ask you. Who are you and what have you done with Klaus Mikaelson?!" Klaus started laughing out loud, unknowingly attracting the attention of the Mystic Falls gang. They did not think either of them had ever seen the original in such a good mood without committing any murder first. "Seriously, what happened to you? You're nice, you're flirty, and you haven't threatened to kill my sister once. I almost didn't recognize you in that suit. Are you trying to be Elijah?"

"Maybe Klaus is on vacation." they walked all the way around the pond and went back to the party. A slow tune started to play. "Will you please me, love?"

Y/N blushed slightly, accepting his outstretched hand. Klaus led them to the dance floor, keeping his distance from her, which made Y/N curse him internally. After being apart for so long, all she wanted was to feel his skin against hers. Nik didn't need to make this romance feel, prolonging everything... But her stupid, treacherous heart was beating madly with every minute she spent close to the original shamelessly flirting with her. And she didn't know how much more she would be able to push him away.

"On vacation? Do you have a split personality, or are you just not in this cure fight? I thought you would like to turn your doppelgänger into a human." she finally broke the silence, returning to their earlier conversation.

"I don't need hybrids that much. It turned out to be… not exactly a good idea."

"Let me guess. They inherit your character, and now you can't take these anymore? Welcome into my world! I have to deal with your grumpy attitude at any time we meet."

"Ouch. That really hurt." he leaned closer, waiting to see if she was going to push him off. She leaned closer still, trying to concentrate on anything but how his hands were on her waist. Y/N missed him in this big break they had. But she wouldn't be the one to admit it first.

"And yet you still come back to me like a lost puppy. Am I such an astonishing person that the mighty hybrid just can't imagine his life without me?" Klaus smiled and dipped her, holding her tight in his arms like she was about to disappear in any second. They looked deeply into each other's eyes, enchanted by the moment and totally forgetting about the world around them. Their lips were so close…

"Maybe." he whispered, gently nudging her nose with his. Y/N held her breath unconsciously, waiting for his next move as they still couldn't tear their eyes away from each other. "Maybe I just wanna be yours." Klaus leaned closer to her, willing to cross the last millimeter between them, but someone's loud grunt effectively killed the mood. If looks could kill, Damon Salvatore would be dead by now. Probably long before meeting any originals.

"I'm not sorry for interrupting you while you were trying to get a bite into your snack, but we kind of need your help… Y/N? What the hell are you doing here?!"

"Long time, no see, Damon. Did you miss me? Or maybe you spent a hundred years trying to find and rescue my sister. Oh, wait... you did. Such a poor thing."

Damon took a step toward her, growling, but Klaus stood in front of Y/N, staring warningly at the young vampire. Y/N was smiling ominously, pleased with the black-haired vampire's surprised expression. She might as well play with him just a little bit after she returns to Katherine.

"I didn't think you'd be close to the originals. Especially, after what he had done to your family."

"And I didn't think that after what Katherine did to you and sweet Stefan, you'd fight for the love of her doppelgänger. See how ridiculous the world is, Dame?"

"You don't know what you're getting yourself into, Klaus. To be honest, I thought you were a little smarter than to fall for her, but I guess I was wrong."

"Watch your mouth, Salvatore! He is an original, a hybrid. You don't want to know what he is capable of." Y/N growled, stepping out from behind Klaus and facing the younger vampire herself.

"You're really worth each other." he spat and started walking away from them.

"And since you started talking about honesty, we're both on team Stelena!" she shouted after the man, smiling as she saw him tense with anger. She turned to the original, frowning as Klaus looked at her with a raised eyebrow and his own smug grin. "What?"

"Nothing. You saved me a few hours of dealing with this bunch of young vampires by scaring Damon off. Name your prize, love."

"I'll pretend you didn't just call me a bogeyman, and I'll say I want one thing from your great collection of antique jewelry."

"Just this?"

"Well, if you find me something really beautiful and shiny, I can call Katherine and tell her I'm not coming home tonight."

"Just tonight?" he teased with a smirk.

"We can negotiate it later."

"Good." he took her hand and kissed her forehead. "Let's get out of here. This party is dead anyway."

Wanna be yours Wanna be yours Wanna be yours Wanna be yours Wanna be yours Wanna be yours Wanna be yours

Klaus played with the ends of Y/N's hair as they lay in bed together. After a stressful week in which he and his siblings managed to escape Mikael's clutches, Petrova's unannounced visit was a pleasant surprise for him. But now that they both lay exhausted after... very satisfying activities, came the moment that Klaus hated the most.

Y/N was probably about to leave.

He hoped she would fall asleep in his arms, so he could steal a few more hours in her presence, but that didn't happen. She was lying partly on top of him, drawing patterns across his chest. Klaus buried his nose in her hair, enjoying her closeness while he still could.

"You're nothing like Mikael." she whispered, stopping the movements of the man who was now staring at her in shock.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I heard you arguing with Kol about it before… you know, you dagger him and put him in a coffin. I just want to make sure you know about it. You seemed so… pensive at first and a little bit sad. I thought it was because of this nonsense he said."

"What if it's true? If I'm really turning into him?" Y/N frowned, turning in his arms so that she was on her stomach and could look into his eyes as he continued to hold her.

"Well, he is not your real father, so I don't think you could inherit his psycho genes. Besides, if that were true, you'd kill me instead of fucking me so I could see the stars, so..." he chuckled, pulling her closer to him.

"You see the stars, huh?" he asked maliciously, with a smug smirk.

"Shut up. You know very well that you are extraordinary. I wouldn't come back to you if you weren't."

"And I wouldn't let you into that bed if you weren't just as tempting."

"I see what you're trying to do, but you really need to hear it, Nik. You're not a monster. You're just trying to keep your siblings safe. Maybe not in the best way, but you have good motives."

"You from all of the people should know that I'm not good. I'm pure evil, love. The monster parents tell their children about at night. I killed your family, Y/N... you shouldn't even be here."

"But I am. And I think we already talked about giving me orders or advice. I know what I am doing, Klaus. If I decide that you're worth my time, then you are. So shut up and let me finish." she kissed him, preventing him from trying to respond. Before Klaus demanded more of her, she pulled away from him, placing her index finger on his lips as he watched her in complete silence. "My parents were horrible, heartless people. And honestly? I'm glad they're dead. You are not a monster. You are Niklaus Mikaelson, a hybrid, loving brother who will do anything to protect your family from a father who abused you physically and mentally your whole childhood. You may not always make the right decisions, but none of us is perfect. And I regret some things in my life, but I will never regret meeting you. Not a single second have we spent together. Because I think you're someone worth knowing. Even if you don't agree with me."

Klaus stared blankly at her. It was the first time someone ever saw him for more than his murderous, dangerous side. His heart started to beat faster, and he prayed for all the gods that exist to prevent her from hearing it. Instead of letting himself take off his mask for the first time since he had become a vampire, he decided to cover up his real feelings, so that Y/N wouldn't know that his soft side for her wasn't only out of desire... but also something he couldn't admit to himself right then.

"Don't pity me." he growled, throwing her off him and walking over to the window.

"That's not a pity. You know I wouldn't tell it to you if I didn't think so." Klaus spun around furiously, trying his best to camouflage his fear with anger.

"And what else did you read from my personality? You're doing pretty well so far, considering we're just fucking in corners under the cover of night." Y/N stood up too, not hesitating to face the hybrid for a moment.

"This attempt to make me angry will do nothing. You try to push me away before I go too far, but it's too late. I know you, Klaus, and I know what you're most afraid of."

"And what is it?"

"Loneliness." Klaus froze in place, watching her with not even the slightest emotion on his face. "You don't want to be alone, which is why you gather so many people around you. Though you never let anyone get close enough to know your real self. But you know, you'll never get over that feeling if you don't let anyone in. Or if you keep locking your siblings in boxes or coercing others into obedience. It's... a beautiful, wonderful city, but how many people are really willing to follow you of their own free will? You may be king, but ruling vampires, werewolves, and witches with fear will accomplish nothing."

Klaus stood silently, watching her intently. Y/N shook her head in disappointment as she turned away from him and began to gather her belongings scattered around the room.

As she was about to put on her dress, Klaus ran over to her and gently grabbed her arm, turning her to face him. She raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"Stay." she snorted, shaking her head with a bitter laugh as she brushed his hand off her. But Klaus didn't give up. He cupped both of her cheeks, forcing her to look into his eyes. It was the first time he had looked at someone with such pure desperation. "Please."

Her defensive posture dropped. The dress fell from her hands as she grabbed his hand and pulled him back to the bed. Without a word, she clung to him again as they tried to fall asleep.

They both took a risk today by showing each other their other faces, which they had never shown to anyone else except their families. They saw the lost, struggling in their darkness, people who needed the closeness of each other.

They both let themselves sink into their own dreams, where they loved each other unconditionally. But then both of them were too scared, distrustful, and hurt by fate to fully trust the other one.

But this time, Y/N stayed with him until he woke up. And Klaus, for the first time in his 1000 years of life, felt hope.

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner Breathing in your dust I wanna be your Ford Cortina I will never rust

Y/N has never been more scared in her entire life. She ran as fast as she could to Mystic Falls High School, hoping Katherine had either won the duel with Elena or had come to her senses and fled as soon as she realized the younger vampire had the cure.

She had no plan, no emergency escape, and no secret weapon. She had nothing. But she knew she had to help Katherine, even if she had to turn human herself in the process of rescuing her sister. She was all Y/N had left in this world. And she knew well that Katerina would do the same for her. Even if people didn't believe in her.

She ran into one of the corridors, following the sounds of the fight.

Her heart was beating wildly as she pushed Elena against the far wall, glancing out of the corner of her eye at the unconscious brunette on the floor. She breathed a momentary sigh of relief when she saw that Elena was still holding a cure in her hand.

"It ends here. Katherine will recover soon. You can't beat us both."

"I got along quite well with Katherine. I doubt you'd be a stronger opponent."

"Then you're dumber than I thought."

Elena lunged at her, trying to break her neck, but Y/N dodged, scanning her surroundings for any weapons. But Gilbert didn't give her enough time to think. She kept attacking the older vampire, inflicting small, meaningless injuries on each other. Y/N had to think of something, and fast, before Elena somehow got the upper hand on her.

The younger Petrova stumbled as Elena pushed her against the opposite wall. She groaned as blood began to run down her hair and down her spine. As soon as Gilbert got closer to her, she swung, causing the brunette to fall next to her on the floor.

They struggled for a while until the younger vampire bit into her neck, startling her. Both immediately plunged their free hands into the other's chest, holding each other's hearts tightly.

From Elena's determined look, Y/N knew she wouldn't be happy with a tie. One or both of them will end up with their hearts ripped out. There was no other way.

"Let her go! Or your dear Damon will die with her!" Klaus' voice coming from behind her made her heart beat even faster in Elena's strong grip.

How the hell did he get here?! After that fight at his house and their goodbyes, he was supposed to be in New Orleans rebuilding his relationship with siblings and his kingdom, not in Mystic Falls saving my ass as usual.

"How do I know he'll survive if I let her go?"

"You have my word, Elena." Elijah came out from the other end of the corridor.

Seeing my sister's ex made me both happy and murderous at the same time. Although... maybe he still cared about her, since he'd come to his noble ass here to save her.

"Be careful, doppelgänger; I'm holding your heart too. Don't forget that." she reminded her, clutching Elena's heart tighter, and she moaned in pain.

"Y/N." Klaus' warning snarl got no reaction from her. She stared defiantly at the doppelgänger.

"I told you. It ends here, Elena. Nobody has to die. Just let it go." her gentle tone of voice weakened the vigilance of the brunette kneeling in front of her. Y/N took advantage of this and, at the speed of light, loosened the doppelgänger's grip on her heart and ripped her hand from her chest with a scream. She also let go of her heart and shoved the medicine down her throat, pushing her to the floor.

Klaus was at her side immediately, taking her into his arms and watching the doppelgänger unconscious from the fall. He breathed a sigh of relief as he felt his vampire heart beating. A second too late, and it could have ended very differently. He pulled the living vampire closer to him, trying to chase away the dark thoughts.

"Niklaus!" her raised voice brought him back to the world. His brother stood beside them, holding the unconscious Katherine in his hands, watching him closely. He turned his gaze to the tired woman in his own arms. "Please get us out of here."

Klaus nodded, getting up with her and holding Y/N in a bridal style, close to his chest, so she could rest her head on him. Both originals left the school and went to their cars. Each of them finally took his girl home.

I just wanna be yours (Wanna be yours) I just wanna be yours (Wanna be yours) I just wanna be yours (Wanna be yours)

"Penny for your toughts." Klaus crept up behind her as she stared blankly at the streets of New Orleans. Involuntarily, he remembered how they had met here 100 years ago... and the night that made him realize how he really felt about her—the night she had stayed with him for the whole night and day for the first time.

She looked much better after resting in their mansion. Klaus could get used to having her so close to him, along with his entire family.

"I'm offended that you value them at a penny. But if you must know, I was thinking about you."

"Me? What a pleasure. And what you had in your smart brain, love?" he asked, glad he wasn't the only one of the two who thought of the other when they were apart.

"I've lost count of the amount of times you've been there for me and everyone you care about. But today you save someone who doesn't mean a thing to you. You could just take me out of there and let Elena shove the cure down my sister's throat without telling Elijah that she is in danger. But you didn't. You of all people saved Katherine's life, along with mine. Why?" Klaus avoided Y/N's scrutinizing gaze, pretending to be very interested in seeing the town below him.

"Leave it Y/N. I just did it. I wasn't thinking then. In hindsight, I should have made sure she turned into a human myself, and kill her. I still can do it, so for her own good, don't put any ideas in my head."

"Klaus. Just answer it."

"I did."

"Niklaus." he turned to her, meeting her expectant gaze. Klaus swallowed. He had dreamed of this moment so many times, even in the very place where they stood… but could he overcome the fear of rejection? Being alone again?

"I don't know if you're ready for the truth, love."

"Try me. Maybe you'll be surprised." Klaus sighed, looking away from her. Were they both ready to cross that safe line they had set so many years ago? He did not know. But he figured he'd never find a better time…

"I saved Katherine because you wished it... Because what's important to you is important to me. What makes you laugh makes me want to keep it. What scares you I want to tear apart. You are the most important thing to me. I can't spend a single day, sleep, eat, or do anything without thinking about you deeply in my head. You own me. Body, mind, and soul. I've been yours since the day I met you. And I'll always wanna be only yours, even if you don't want me at all."

Klaus plucked up the courage to bring his gaze back to her face. She was expressionless. Totally poker. He felt a cold shiver run through his body, and the pain of rejection paralyzed him so much that he was unable to make any move. The hybrid cleared his throat, controlling the trembling in his voice and the coming tears.

"You can run away now. I won't chase you, Y/N."

Those words brought her out of her trance. However, Klaus kept his head down, not wanting to see the love of his life walk away from him.

If he hadn't, he would have known the love and emotion on her face.

Y/N walked over to him, shocking him to feel her gentle hands on his cheeks and stunning him as she pressed her lips to his in a tender, soft kiss.

They couldn't get away from each other. They clung to each other as if they were the only anchor holding them in this world, embracing and kissing so hard that neither of them could mistake this moment for a dream.

It was only the lack of air that forced them to move away from each other significantly, resting their foreheads against each other as they inhaled the familiar, calming scent of their second halves.

"I'm tired of running." Y/N whispered, planting kisses across his face, teasing him as she deliberately avoided his seeking lips. "And I never want you to let me go. Ever. You stuck out with me, my lord."

"As you do with me, my queen."

"Good." she smiled, drawing him into another of their many kisses as she led him to his bedroom.

She stayed with him that night. And the next, and the next one. And she never left his side again.

He was hers. She was his. They belong to each other.

And Klaus was in heaven. 

[island-in-the-shadows]

Hannibal and Will Adopted Oliver AU Pt. 2

I literally have waited long enough to continue posting this one. Definitely owed it to @ib3li3v3you so here goes:

Pt. 1 here: https://island-in-the-shadows.tumblr.com/post/742073028536582144/my-hannibal-and-will-adopted-oliver-au-hcs

Oliver goes hunting on his own for the first time at 18 (so prior to arriving at Oxford). His dads are waiting in the wings, so to speak, in case Oliver fumbles. His hunting style is, given that he's a teenager, a little more conspicuous than his fathers'. His target had been scoped out for months, however. Got just the right person from his papa's (Hannibal) Rolodex of Rude.

Oliver wanted to try something a little different from how his dads do it which meant finding the rude man in question and seducing him while simultaneously remaining in the shadows. He really thought this out. Anyway, very looong story short, he basically does what cannibalistic spiders do to their mates. Except with a deadly syringe. His fathers' help him create a spidery display.

Oliver does start out eating regular, if incredibly fancy, food but does develop the taste for long pig and, in either case, has a fondness for Sweetbreads. Don't ask me why, I'm still not clear and do not want to probe.

Oliver seriously considers taking care of Farleigh for a while because he finds him unspeakably rude. However, Hannibal and Will advise him not to and recount how they have waited for the right time. Besides, they both know that Farleigh going missing would be noteworthy and possibly alienate their son from what he wants the most: Felix.

Hannibal sympathises with Oliver much more than Will does about the whole Felix thing. Will knows Felix's type and is just instantly on his guard. Hannibal, on the other hand, knows what it's like to fall for some pretty boy more or less at first sight.

This means that Hannibal is the one that gets the brunt of the calls when Oliver needs to vent about Felix. Yes, even when Oliver is so angry with Felix for abandoning him to shag some girl that he debates about killing him.

Back to Oliver's lies: Instead of telling Felix that his dad died, he says his mother died.

Will is the one that helps Oliver fully understand what it is that Felix wants. Except Will never suspects that Felix might want Oliver too. Cut him some slack, it's his kid and he mainly just wants the crush to go away.

Hannibal and Will argue about Oliver's obsession with Felix. Get in a fight about it. Hannibal believes Oliver and Felix are inevitable. Will thinks their son is going to wind up with a corpse and a broken heart.

The tack in the bike tyre was Hannibal's idea.

Oliver finds horror movies funny because, come on, he's literally seen and done worse.

Oliver does tell his dads that he's going to Saltburn instead of coming home.

Oliver knows how to cook though not as well as Hannibal. However, when he eats Venetia out, he thinks her blood would be wonderful in a Sanguinaccio Dolce. He wonders if Felix's blood tastes better.

His phone kept ringing while at Saltburn and Oliver kept ignoring it. The "HL" and "WG" brought questions from Felix, so he lied and said it's family members who are always asking him for something or to forgive his dad. Stupidly, this prompts him to change the name for both numbers and put "dad." (Let's remember Oliver is very smart but also very fucking stupid in canon; same goes here.)

When Felix answers the phone when "dad" calls, it's Hannibal on the other line. Hannibal follows his son's ruse and pretends he knows nothing about Felix. He does, however, get curious. Tells Felix that he would love to see Oliver for his birthday and that wouldn't it be nice if Felix came with him.

Hannibal lies and says that he's at something like a program for rehabilitation. Really wants to make it extra tempting for Felix. Gives him the address and says that oh this whole building was remade and blah blah he plays it up. He has a ball doing this.

On the drive to this place (not Prescot because, even though that's where Hannibal and Will found him, that's decidedly not where they live now.), Oliver at first doesn't recognise where they're going. Hannibal and Will and Oliver moved to this estate (one that Hannibal has long owned but barely used) a few months before Oliver started at Oxford and Oliver really only left it to hunt once and then to get on the trains and busses that would get him to school. [I did actually look for real estate for this and had fun doing it.]

However, when they turn into a familiar little road with all the familiar buildings before they get to the definitely familiar 16th century manor, Oliver starts to panic.

Felix comments on how nice it is for a rehabilitation program. Oliver is dying inside and he knows his dads did this on purpose.

Felix is, however, taken by complete surprise when he realises that Oliver's dad and his "friend" are the only people there.

Hannibal asks Felix forgiveness but that Oliver is so embarrassed of them that he had to lie. He reveals Will is his partner and that oh yes, shame about Oliver's mother dying all those years ago.

Will is polite but quietly observing. Hannibal is the consummate host. Felix is livid but polite. Hannibal likes that Felix keeps playing at politeness. Will finds it grating.

Oliver will pull Will aside and ask why? Will pats Oliver's shoulder, "We were curious what would happen, you should know that."

When Hannibal hugs Oliver goodbye he whispers, "Don't spoil the meat."

Ok this is long enough...will keep developing this for later with the big party, the maze, Felix surviving, and eventually becoming interested in more exotic meats. LOL

[conductoriya]

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. :* BYF + RULES!

this blog, while containing my writing, also doubles as my personal account. i post a lot about jik, hq, a-24 movies, and other things that strike my interest, but i’ll mostly be posting about my writing.

please filter the tag #jjk spoilers and #jjk leaks if you are not interested in getting spoiled!

when it comes to interactions — i'd like to kindly reiterate once again that this is an 16+ blog. if you are interested in becoming mutuals, sending messages, asks, or liking/commenting on my posts, you need to be at least 16. i check those who follow me, and blank, ageless, and underage blogs shall be promptly blocked.

basic dni criteria applies. zionists, pro-ana, racists, etc. are not welcome here. please don't be mean to me or others! this is a j chill space and me and all my friends hate racists, homophobes, transphobes, etc! also no drama please! i'm just a girl and i do not want to deal with any kind of discourse so please leave me out of it <3

when with regard to my inbox — i know in the past i answered & allowed pretty much everything and anything, however now i would like to look in my inbox and not be met with a long paragraph of a trauma dump/vent! as kind as i may seem, i am not a therapist and things trigger me too! as much i love interacting with you guys, please think twice before sending in something :)

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. :* WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING!

i write only SFW currently, at most suggestive content. comments, reblogs, and asks allegedly motivate me to write more and will be highly appreciated! requests, please do not send me a whole essay, only 3 to 5 sentences is fine! some things i won't write: scat, noncon, kidnapping, piss play, vore, vomit, step-cest/incest, and more will be added as necessary. i reserve the right to refuse any kind of requests for any reason, please do not take it personally.

super busy being a very cool and tired girl working, so please be patient when it comes to updates. i write when i have the time to, but i will try my best to cover everything! nov-feb is probably when i will exhibit the most activity.

• do not translate my writing

• do not repost my work on other platforms

• while i love a good correction here and there, please no criticisms about my writing! i'm here for a good time, so make it a long time <3

• i primarily write afab! or fem!reader perspectives but if you would like a gender-neutral piece, please specify in your request!

• all characters are aged up.

• no plagiarism :( i will clock you.

• if you're interested in requesting, please go through the list of things i won't write first!

• request status: closed.

these are just some of the characters i specialize in. i am open to writing for more, but at the moment, these are what i feel comfortable with!

JUJUTSU KAISEN — gojo satoru, geto suguru, shoko ieri, sukuna ryomen, megumi fushiguro, choso kamo, yuuji itadori, toge inumaki, maki zenin, nobara fushiguro, nanami kento, toji fushiguro, shiu kong, higuruma hiromi

HAIKYUU — miya atsumu, hanamaki takahiro, iwaizumi hajime, suna rintarou, miya osamu, kuroo tetsuruo, bokuto koutaro, akaashi keiji, matsukawa issei, kageyama tobio, oikawa tooru, ushijima wakatoshi, kenma kozume, hinata shoyo, nishinoya yuu, semi eita more to come.

© CHOSOSCAMGIRL ! — do not repost, translate, plagiarise or claim any of my works as your own.

[cultsnax]

INFO ABOUT CULTSNAX ; 🗡️

Cultsnax is a horror-inspired Bugsnax AU made by @marshymallowz! It depicts an ancient cult of grumpuses that live on Brokentooth who worship Mother Naturae in some quite... unsavory ways. A cult of grumpuses who hate outsiders will become quite surprised when a ship owned by the name of 'Grumpbeard' come to take over their mainland. THE CULTSNAX INFORMATION GOOGLE DOC HERE!

This AU has triggering topics such as: Occultism, murder, death, sacrificial rituals, potential gore, religious themes and imagery.

You may make OC's! Feel free to tag me @marshymallowz or this account in any OC's you make, as well as using the tag #cultsnax in the post. However, please follow my boundaries listed below if you plan to make any sort of fan content of my AU.

Some quick boundaries regarding my AU and my OC's. DO NOT: 1.) Do not make any NSFW art or comments regarding my OC's. Proshipping content related to my OC's will result in a hard-block and a callout. 2.) Do not steal my OC's or force them into other AU's without my permission. 3.) Do not get upset with me over the content or lore of my AU--If you don't like it, or it triggers you, please don't engage. It is a horror AU. :) 4.) Do not be disrespectful about my work or to me or any of my friends. 5.) Abusing the ask-blog by spamming or repeatedly venting/being innappropriate will result in a block. 6.) Disrespecting any of these rules will result in a block.

YOU MAY: 1.) Draw any of my OC's (with credit and following the rules above) as long as you tag me in it! The OC art does not need to follow any sort of canonicity or lore. Fuck it, let Filbo Fiddlepie meet Headmaster Greavard, I don't care! /silly 2.) Feel free to make your own OC's as long as you follow the rules above! 3.) Making fanart including your own OC's is okay!

That's all for the pinned so far, I may update with extra rules or resources in the future!

[destiny-in-the-universe]

Akira Cunningham: 9th Grade Kitsune

Alriiighttt, my lovelies, I figured I might as well try and make a comeback to the fandom by once more talking about my beloved future au "Akira Cunningham: 9th Grade Kitsune" for RC9GN.

I'm going to break this down into different sections, so it's a little easier but first - I wanted to thank my RC9GN mutuals, followers, and anyone just seeing my content every now and again for supporting me. It's been a trying journey, and yes, I'm also the world's biggest loser for how much I vent - and well, with the amount of I dedicated sharing my posts. Thank you for everything, and what's left in store... well, it's going to be an adventure, isn't it?

To start, here's a brief synopsis of the plot; Akira Cunningham - Randy's daughter - is selected to be Norrisville's next hero, only this time she's not the Ninja. This time, Akira is the Kitsune... because something is brewing, and it's going to take everything by storm. As Randy has long since retired the mantle of the Ninja, everything lies on Akira. Where one evil ended, another began. For evil can never be vanquished forever.

Read below the cut for more information!

The Cunningham (Extended) Family

Akira Cunningham is biologically the daughter of Randy Cunningham and Theresa Fowler. The late couple had been planning this for a while, deciding they wanted to have a kid and well, Akira was born

However - the other known fact of the extended Cunningham family, Randy doesn't have just one partner. During his late high school years, he got together with Howard as Randy's (bi) awakening led him to realize he had a thing for men. What blossomed from that, well, you're about to find out

Randy had been crushing on both Howard and Theresa, having decided to date them but then there was Debbie Kang. I'll get into the full schematics of their relationship later: the point is Randy, Howard, Debbie, and Theresa are in a polyamorous relationship

Having Akira was a decision made by everyone, and one thing led to another and she came into existence. Like, surrogacy but I am not a doctor so don't quote me on this

The (now) retired members of the new Norisu 9 all stay in touch which make them honorary members of the family

At the beginning of the story, Akira is meant to be young for reasons I won't be able to disclose just yet. Though, in the present timeline - she will be in high school, much like her dad Randy had been in once. She gets her mantle

As for everyone's jobs, Randy is a martial arts instructor as he earned enough inheritance to get by, Howard is a lawyer, Debbie's an investigative journalist, and Theresa happens to be in competitive sports (still has to do with baton twirling because why not-).

Arc One

Since the Ninja is a retired mantle as Randy- I mean the Ninja, took down the Sorcerer and closed the gateway into the Nine Realms, well, things were looking up. At least... in the beginning. For almost thirty years, the barrier between realms remained closed - without much use - and while certain nonhuman populations had begun living in Norrisville, danger remained at an all-time low. Unexpectedly however, the gates reopened (and strangely, without much explanation) and the yokai district began to flood onto Norrisville. Not all were of the friendly sort, but people didn't seem too concerned... then again no one expected what came next.

No one considered the possibility of gangs running amok within the city; let alone the fact that certain yokai had formed the literal yakuza, but what were they supposed to do? No one had seen the Ninja in such a long time - it would be near impossible to fight back, but there had been another mantle - lying dormant in hidden sight: The Kitsune. Only a yokai could take on other yokai. A cunning trickster. A nine-tailed fox.

Akira Cunningham was chosen to wield it, but apart from the yakuza - apart from yokai rampantly existing on the streets - there had to be someone pulling the strings. Surely... they weren't just wandering around for the heck of it.

Akira Cunningham

Akira does deserve her own post, without the added lore thrown in but then again - she's every way her dad's daughter. She has a good heart, even if some part of her wants to feel something greater - bigger - than herself. Akira's high, rambunctious, and spunky attitude, it's hard to nail her down as someone who displays interest in good deeds. Do not let this fool you, as she's also known for rushing in to protect her friends; even if she's also a little spiteful.

She has Howard's short temper and sometimes becomes frustrated, but I won't be able to dive much into this to keep spoilers from spilling. Akira dreamed of being a heroine when she was young, pretending to be the Ninja - acting like a young, hyper child wanting to be like Superman though who ever would've thought it'd become real?

Though... the journey is not hers alone. There is much more happening, and she can't do it all by herself. And that, my dear readers, is where I end this. More to come soon!

[lakeshorez]

An Anecdote of Asexuality, Autism, and Other Oddities.

i originally posted this absolute essay of a comment underneath Carseatheadrest’s song “It’s Only Sex for, obvious reasons, however - I figured possibly it would be helpful to post it here to reach more folks who may resonate. (The song is fire btw, y’all should check CSH out!!) Apologies for any grammar mishaps - I wrote this after waking up from a five-hour long nap prior to taking my meds (whoops), and my autism can make it difficult when writing long-form pieces like this.

This is merely a slightly unhinged vent-post that seemed to get out of hand as I continued to write it; mainly focusing upon my own struggles with intimacy and how society views it as a whole - my relationship with being asexual, and how my autism leads me to perceive the act of sex in a slightly altered light compared to most.

General content warnings for: surface-level mentions of sexual content (nothing too explicit, I promise.), and brief mentions of past trauma.

That being said - I introduce you all to a glimpse inside my thoughts - and hopefully - despite having few followers, lol - some of you can relate, understand, or hell, possibly even learn something new about yourselves!

————————————

I’m 17 and although I’ve never been intimate nor do I have a partner - I’ve always felt immensely disconnected from most people’s allure towards intimacy since I find it weirdly “feral” in a way? Like, perceiving how aggressive people act within sexual scenarios with one another seems to put me off. As if they’re ’drunk off lust’ or something, being fully controlled by desire I guess? But to be fair, the only blatant exposure I’ve had to intimacy is through written text, along with hearing others’ testimonies on the manner. But, whenever I hear people going on about how they find it arousing when someone uses dirty talk I just feel weirdly— put off? I don’t know. Plus, I might be the only one who feels this way, but I absolutely despise the feeling of being in the act - more so the physical aspects of it. Sure, the closest I’ve had to actually being intimate is with by my own hand - but my point is, the sensations that are being absolutely overblown throughout the rest of your body; heavy breathing, sweating, a dazed mind, trembling limbs, etc - feel too overwhelming to me. I think I could be a result of me being autistic, and likely having heightened sensory impulses makes it feel so strange. But another thing I’ve noticed for me, is that the sensations feel eerily similar to when I’m upon the brink of a panic attack strangely enough. Not to mention how utterly tainted with filth I feel after the fact. Sure, I’ve tried to read articles upon articles on why sex and self pleasure is a natural occurrence - the health benefits and all - how it’s abnormal to feel ashamed or disconnected from the act, how I purely need to suck it up because if I dare express any destain from engaging in it, I’m considered a fault in the system. And yet, the internalized feelings of disconnect from my own body still linger, regardless how often I try to convince myself it’s normal.

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve sorta realized - perhaps it’s just not for me. Perhaps, I feel better when I’m not forcing myself to be someone I’m not? Or perhaps, what if all this time I’m merely lying to myself - what if my apathy and disgust regarding it was a result of unresolved childhood trauma? Perhaps made even more so of how I’ve never even held hands romantically with another human being. What if I’m wrong? Wrong about not understanding what all the hype is about — an unmoved fault in a sea of flirty playboy bunnies. I’m still trying to properly unpack a lot of what may have caused me to feel so strange about it, likely a large mess of factors; past trauma, growing under the watchful eye of a Christian mother, the fact I’m a pan trans guy- but I think one large part of it may be due to my autism. I’ve noticed, with a lot of basic tasks life throws at me, I always had a tendency to overanalyze and dissect a lot of things, sex included. I tend to view it in a very literal and logical light - sure, I can fully understand why people enjoy it, how they enjoy the emotional bond it creates, how they feel sparks from the bounds of pleasure that surge throughout their bodies - but other than that, I never can comprehend why people seem to place it on such a high pedestal? I could never quite comprehend why people put intimacy on the same level as eating, breathing, or even sleeping. I could never comprehend why people seemed to make such fusses over it. How my own mom couldn’t comprehend I don’t care much for the act, how people can’t physically accept the fact someone could live without it, as if the sensation itself is the elixir of life.

I feel whenever there’s conversations regarding the topic, autistic people such as myself tend to be left out of the conversations a whole lot. I suppose it’s unfortunately due to a whole slew of factors, such as infantilization; people viewing us as innocent children who’d never engage in something as adultery and taboo as sex because in their minds, we’re practically nothing more than overgrown children. However, I recall reading about how studies have shown that people assigned female at birth on average tend to have more nerve endings displayed around their reproductive organs - therefore, often feeling sexual sensations to a more heightened degree compared to our amab counterparts. However, I think it could also be linked to the discussion of being autistic and our feelings regarding intimacy. Since we tend to already have an intense heightened display of sensory inputs - primarily touch - I suppose it makes sense why I, and a lot of other afab autistic individuals feel like we’re on the brink of having a sensory overload when feeling any sexual stimulation. What would be considered as pleasurable to someone who isn’t autistic, could be interpreted as something almost painful to someone who is.

Whenever I try to learn on how to be more comfortable with the idea of intimacy, often the advice is so blatantly intended for non-autistic folk, along with taking on a very cisgendered-heteronormative view upon the matter as well. I’ve always felt extremely alienated when it came to talks about it and whatnot - mainly due to my autism, the fact I’m a trans pansexual dude, and past trauma relating to intimacy. Yet …in an odd way, whenever I browse through comment sections of videos on talks about intimacy and how to be an intimate partner, it’s like I’m seeing a glimpse in an alternate reality - a reality where everyone just seems to “get it”. A reality where not a single person ever had to cope with a horde of internalized mental struggles regarding such a topic, they openly state how much they enjoy being intimate with their partners, going into immense detail upon what makes them “tick” with tens of comments beneath them sharing that same anecdote. Cracking jokes and sharing their stories like it’s a normal Tuesday. And yet, part of me can’t help but feel like I’m an anomaly in an odd sense. Why regardless of how many sex-positive articles and videos I burn into my mind, I’ll constantly feel like I’m a flaw upon the system. How there’s always an eerily familiar contortion lodged deep within a pit in my stomach whenever the mere thought is brought up. How the nauseating pit only continues to expand itself - feeding off my utter discomfort, my inability to “get it”, like a spreading sickness that lacks no means of ending. But the pit never leaves, it just sits there within me. It only expands and contracts itself, constantly shifting its size and intensity to remind me of my abnormality. I can feel it deep within my body - I can feel its cruel weight make itself known whenever the topic of intimacy is brought up, whenever I feel that desire burn throughout my skin.

I suppose it’s why I felt like there was something wrong with me when I despised the sensations intimacy brought. Whenever I’d bring it up, I was told I was just a goddamn immature 17 year old who needed to ‘grow up’ and wait until I found a partner, then I’d finally “get it”. Then I’d finally understand what all the hype was about, then I’d finally feel whole. After all, being a virgin your whole life is something to be ashamed of, isn’t it? And yet, the closest thing I’ve had to experiencing any sexual stimulation is by my own hand - but even while I’m in the act, I can’t help but feel the overwhelming sensation of my heavy breathing, my heart throbbing at an unsteady rhythm, my limbs trembling, the almost burning sensation that only increases between my thighs until it boils over. And after? I feel disoriented. Like my mind is attempting to sew itself back together through trembling limbs and shaken breaths. And I want to cry. To sob, to clutch my shaken limbs around myself in a desperate means of granting myself comfort - I feel like I’m about to explode, with no other means to feel whole once again.

And despite it all, I often find myself wondering; “Why did nobody warn me about this?” Why didn’t they warn me of the intense barrage of sensations being thrown at my body in the most uneven hellish masses imaginable? Why didn’t they mention how my body would feel like it’s dying? After all, isn’t it guilty pleasure? A pleasure unmatched by anything granted by nature itself? A pleasure delectable as the sweetest honey, the closest thing to heaven humanity has acquired without the act of death. Shouldn’t it feel immaculate? Shouldn’t I feel satisfied? And yet, I lie between my disheveled bed sheets, clutching onto a pillow as heavy tears stain its fabric. And I can’t help but internally beat myself up over my emotions - why I feel so dejected and mentally shaken over a sensation that’s considered one of nature’s greatest gifts. How no matter how many times I mentally prepare myself to ‘fix’ my ongoing barrage of mental turmoil through watching videos of a person who clearly hasn’t felt the anguish I’m in explain in detail how to ‘enjoy’ the act. Assuming it comes naturally to anyone who watches, assuming that not a single person on the opposite side of the screen has ever felt such alienation from the rest of the human race over something that everyone just seems to magically have imbedded within their minds from birth. Assuming nobody is as utterly flawed as I am.

I suppose my detachment in regards to intimacy - even if it’s limited to merely touching myself once in a goddamn blue moon - has convinced me that I, in all my traumatized asexual autistic glory, would make one hell of a horrible partner. Who wants a partner who flinches at the slightest of touch, a partner who feels like they’re on the brink of a panic attack when the sensations get too intense for them to bear, who can’t stop hyperventilating and sobbing through thick and heavy tears as they try to soothe me like a distraught child, how dare I try and have my partner be some therapist for my issues…After all, that’s what a horrible partner does…right? A horrible partner doesn’t care for their spouse’s sexual needs - haven’t I heard of all those couples who break up because they couldn’t be satisfied in bed? How dare I try and insinuate that my future partner should settle for less, that they should live in an unfulfilling relationship unable to act upon a natural desire because I’m too utterly messed up to have it drilled into my thick skull that it’s normal. How dare I be so selfish.

It’s all I hear when I tell people I’m asexual, when I try and explain my autism physically does not allow me to think nor feel any different, how my entire being practically makes me feel differently around the entire discussion regarding intimacy. And yet, they express their worries and condolences. Not directed towards me, but to whatever future partner may interweave their fingers with mine someday. They mourn more intensely for that nonexistent entity over the person who’s standing in front of them in the flesh. They mourn for the fact that my future partner will have to somehow settle for less in their words, they try and convince me that merely granting my affection and love through hand-written notes and carefully crafted gifts and trinkets will never compare to the sheer raw intimacy sex can bring. How dare I insinuate that someone could be happy and fulfilled without such a need for something so natural, how dare I express one can feel fulfilled through other means that do not entail intimacy. How dare my sheer existence challenge their narrow mindset. How dare someone who chooses to become my spouse be understanding and grant me their compassionate empathy for simply being, how dare they feel fulfilled and satisfied by being granted affectionate notes and gifts over being touched by their beloved, how dare they “settle for less” and be content with simply experiencing the light of their partner through a clothed body. How dare they challenge the status quo for merely existing. It’s as if, people physically cannot fathom that someone can feel equally happy and fulfilled without the need for it. However, I suppose I don’t blame them - it’s everywhere you look. The expectancy to engage in it is practically being advertised and gossiped about in every corner of the world around them. As if feeling any distain or discomfort with the idea is an immediate challenge against something bigger. Like an act of rebellion, almost. But, am I being rebellious? How is me being some traumatized asexual autistic person on par with being some rebellious teenager? I’m not trying to challenge anything nor anyone, but it seems as if my sheer existence is already capable of doing that.

But hey, I guess you could say - it’s only sex :3 (I’m so sorry)